solace in the sky

chapter two: above

as i walked nearer to a more populated area, i heard people beginning to bustle and chat as they started their days. looking around, i started to notice that my bulky backpack, trenchcoat, and my anxious gaze weren't something i was seeing in the rest of the crowd. a handful of people started glancing my way, but thankfully, most of them went back to their business.

once the glances didn't feel as suffocating, i began looking around at the different merchants and their products. i decided i should start by buying a bit more food to keep on me. i approached a merchant that was selling some dried fruit. he eyed me apprehensively, but he ended up letting me buy something. my heart dropped at the prices though. my savings won't last me more than two months... and that's if i nearly starve myself... i thanked him and went on my way, buying a pack of dried and preserved meat as well. i had only had meat a few times in my life, and all i remember is that it was quite satiating.

i kept on my way, scanning all of the different products on show, stopping and turning to look at some beautifully crafted dresses, when two small boys, who appeared to be chasing each other, ran into my backpack. one fell, and the other helped him up.

one of them gave me an irritated scowl and looked up at me. "what's with the big bag, lady? it's poking out in the walkway!"

i opened my mouth to apologize when the other chimed in. "calm down! she's wearing a green trenchcoat. she's probably part of the scout regiment or something."

they both started running away before i had a chance to say anything. i furrowed my eyebrows in thought. scout regiment? that rings a bell.... they're probably something like the military police. i tried to rack my brain to remember anything else i might know about them, but i hit a wall and decided to just enjoy this new environment.

i found myself yawning soon enough, and i checked my pocketwatch. noon. i had been awake for about sixteen hours at this point, so i decided that i should try to find myself some sleep somewhere. i wandered back to the bench facing the pond, and looked around. across the pond, there seemed to be a small patch of trees. i walked over, my feet getting heavier with every step. i pushed myself to inspect the area, and once i had the feeling i was safe, i crashed out on my backpack.

-----

i woke up, looking up at shards of a beautiful pink, orange, and purple clouded sky, broken by the trees. the sun must be setting. the clouds left me awestruck. i sat up against a tree, and watched the sun dip and the moon rise. once i finally looked away, i was faced with the reality of my situation.

i'm homeless again. i'm stuck out here and probably can't do that forever, especially since my savings aren't nearly as valuable as i thought... not to mention that it'd be hard to survive out here anyway. what if this is someone's property?

i bit the inside of my cheek and blink away the brisk tears. four years... for a couple months if i'm lucky. i fidgeted with my braid. i need to wash up, too... i slowly turned around to face the pond again. the darkness was settling in heavier than last night, but the moon still provided some light. it was a little jarring to think about bathing in a pond, but the filth was getting to me. hundreds of people have seen my body anyway. more than anything, i wanted to wash my past away. i didn't want anything to do with the underground anymore.

i mustered the courage to go to the edge of the pond and stripped to my undergarments. i eyed the vertical scar that started at my belly button and went downward. i traced my finger over it, still wondering what on earth it was for. i shook my head and decided to not let it bother me right now. i dipped in and out of the water a couple times, washing different parts of my body, and then eventually my hair. the water felt far from clean, but at least i had soap. i dried myself with a cardigan i packed, and put on a new set of clothes, and brushed my teeth. i decided that i'd wash my dirty clothes tomorrow night.

as more cloud cover formed over the moon, i then realized that there wasn't much light. anywhere. in the underground, there'd be torches lit on just about every building. if i were to continue living like this, for even a little while, i'd need to get my hands on some way to make fire.

i walked back to my spot, sat down, and rested my head on my knees. was this really the only way out? is there anyone out there willing to help me? warm tears left my eyes, and i let myself cry. 

i'd been without guidance for years, and one would think that i'd get used to it. but i haven't. i thought of my dad, pulling me away from my sister and mom, who were screaming at me about something for the hundredth time. it didn't even matter. whatever it was, it was somehow my fault, despite me being only four. or five. or six. a child.

'it's not you, sailor mae. it's them. i promise.' he whispered urgently into my ear. my sister lunged at me and my dad quickly swiped me behind him, unintentionally toppling me off of my feet as he picked my sister up.

'bronwyn. leave your sister alone.' his tone was leeched dry from emotion, as he probably said those same words a thousand times. his shoulders slumped permanently at this point, and my sister leered down at me from over one of them, the same angry look in her eyes.

i don't think she's ever shown me any other emotion.

my mother smirked at the sight of me on the ground, not saying anything. after a few minutes of tense silence, her voice seeped through her gritted teeth. 'martin? aren't you going to talk to her?'

i've never heard her say my name.

my dad sighed, putting bronwyn down. 'fine. yeah. sure.'

we'd been through this before. he'd grab me by my arm and throw me into the next room as gently as possible, then pull me to a corner where my mother and sister wouldn't see me. he'd hug me, and apologize profusely in a hushed tone, his voice cracking, the sharp edges cutting into my heart.

'sailor mae, it's not your fault. it's not. i wish i could take you somewhere... somewhere where you'd be properly loved. where you'd be wanted. but i can't. i can't create that for you, not here.'

i'd always hear the most emotion in his voice when he'd talk to me like this.

'promise me, sailor mae, when i'm gone, don't be afraid to run away. i know you'll find something better.'

i never understood why he'd always say 'when i'm gone' as if he'd be leaving soon -- but with each year, the limbs of his i clung to for support shrank in size, the skeleton underneath his skin becoming more evident.