A Dangerous Friend - Nachaeng

Better

Where am I?

Two o'clock. Nayeon opened her eyes to unfamiliar walls striped by shafts of moonlight, and for a moment had no idea where she was. Not her apartment. Not anyone's apartment by the look of it.

A faint sigh from behind her made her catch her breath, and she became aware of the hand curled around her waist. She looked down.

Pale skin. Black nail polish.

But not Nana. Nana never held her at night.

Chaeyoung.

And then it came back to her.

Where are you? You're exactly where you've always wanted to be.

And she felt her lashes grow damp and heavy with the irony of it.

You've lived so long with a pale imitation, fighting to convince yourself that it was good enough, that Nana was at least a picture of the Korean girl that you could touch, make your own, that all the pain was worth it. And now the real thing's here, right beside you, and you're no better of than before.

Because this isn't real, either. No matter how tightly she holds you, no matter how close you feel, there's still a thousand miles between you. It's still just the sympathy of a friend.

What would it take? How much effort to turn now, press your lips to hers, tell her the truth? And watch everything crumble to dust. The look of shock and betrayal in her eyes as she backed away.

Would she be angry? Embarrassed? Disgusted? Would she throw you out? Or worse, would she be nice about it? Let you down gently, tell you in hushed tones that the one thing you'd give your life to have is never going to be yours. But it's okay, you can still be friends.

For a little while, anyway. Then the visits would stop, and the phone calls would tail of, and you'd lose even the little part of her that you had.

No, this way is better. Better to offer her the friendship she wants, rather than a love she doesn't.

Better to be her confidante, her companion, than to risk driving her away. It would be worth it, just to know that you mean something to her.

And who knows, maybe there'll be other times like this. Times when you can pretend, for a few brief moments, that she's yours.

She waited for a few seconds until she was sure that Chaeyoung was asleep, then touched her finger to her lips, and pressed it gently against the hand at her waist, the closest to a kiss she could manage.

"I love you," she whispered.

.

.

.

Chaeyoung awoke with her face buried in a tangle of raven hair smelling of shampoo and perfume, her nose nuzzling the curve of Nayeon's neck. She realized that during the night she'd snuggled up further, and was pressed so tightly into the other girl's back that, if she'd been a guy, Nayeon would be waking up to an unwelcome surprise.

She lay silent for a while, pondering her predicament. Her hand was around the Korean girl's waist, Nayeon's hand was on hers. It was desperately important that she extricate herself from this position without waking her, in case Nayeon thought... what?

What would she think? Maybe Nayeon would be cool with it. Maybe she should just roll her over, wake her with a kiss, slip the straps from her shoulders, run a hand over her and leave a playful bites on her neckㅡ