In your eyes

Chapter 21

The letter from the Roman Archives sat in Lisa's hands, welcoming her to the program with all of the necessary details. Despite having only gotten it the day before, it was already worn from the amount of times she'd read it then folded it up again.

She wanted to feel excited about this, and some small part of her did. But on the much larger scale, everything was such a mess and she felt utterly exhausted. Worn down and hollow.

It was one of the most prestigious internships she possibly could have applied for; something that she hadn't really believed she'd be capable of getting accepted to. And more than that, it was hers.

Something she'd done, for once in her life, without consulting her family and Jisoo first. Jisoo should have been the person she'd talked to about this, given that if she did go, she'd be leaving her alone in their apartment, her share of the bills unpaid. Instead, she'd only talked about it with Roseanne, and thinking about her soft smile when she'd encouraged Lisa to apply just hurt now.

Blowing out a deep breath, Lisa stared blankly down at the letter.

The thing she could admit to herself now was that she'd never expected to get to a point where this internship was a reality. She'd put this incredible but far away future on hold in her mind with the hope that before this would even be on the horizon, Roseanne would have confessed having feelings for her.

That she was in love with her in this painful, wonderful, heart-aching, wanting kind of way that Lisa loved her. That things would then slot into place, and she would just stay here, with Roseanne, and everything would work out.

But when it came to love, she always seemed to be wrong. With both Kyle and Joshua, her only two actual relationships, she'd constantly been guessing, misunderstanding, and easily taken advantage of. She'd just thought that things with Roseanne had been different.

"You're so damn stupid," she murmured. Her stomach clenched so painfully she lifted a hand to it and rubbed as if this was a physical ache she could make go away.

"I think that letter you've been smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles from proves that you are far from stupid," Jennie's voice came from behind her.

Lisa jumped, quickly rubbing at her eyes as discreetly as she could, before she turned to look over the back of the couch at her friend. Who had emerged from her room, dressed for the day, her messenger bag that she brought to campus every day slung over her shoulder.

She managed a pathetic excuse for a smile. "Hey." She flickered her eyes back to the internship letter. "I – no, I wasn't talking about this."

It was everywhere except for academics that Lisa felt like she was flailing.

Despite Jennie's typical candid frank demeanor, she gave Lisa a quietly sympathetic look. "So, if we aren't talking about your amazing internship, does this mean you finally want to talk about the night that shall not be named?"

Lisa ducked her head. Embarrassed and miserable, exactly how she'd felt ever since she'd showed up here at Jennie's apartment a few nights ago. After she'd left Roseanne's apartment, her heart shattered, barely able to see through her tears. She'd roamed the street until she'd felt fairly numb, before finally getting herself together enough to hop on the subway and get out of the frigid February weather.

It was almost a surprise to herself that she'd ended up at Jennie's. But going home, facing Jisoo, felt next to impossible. Like if she went home, the cocooning numbness she'd taken refuge in would disappear.

She'd never been so well-acquainted with a friend's couch as she now was.

"No. Thanks, um, for offering. Again."