Notes of Rhythm

Chapter Three

*Trigger warning: Self harm mentioned, suicidal undertones, eating disorders, needles

I walk to Mick's alone. Theo offered me a ride, but I declined and said I had to drop something off at the post office. It's only twenty minutes walking from the school, but today I don't want to get there. Theo is probably the best person I know, and my closest friend. As I approach him, sitting there with a chocolate milkshake in front of him, and across the booth in the place, I assume to be my spot, was a strawberry milkshake, a burger, and a container of fries.

"You waiting on someone?" I joke as I slide in across from him, not sitting in front of the food.

"Attie," He sighs, "It's just us, eat."

He looks sad and tears pool at the edges of my eyes, thinking back to all the times I made him like this, "Can you come sit over by me please?"

I don't mean to it and my voice shakes, and it's way higher than I would want it to be. He nods and quickly switches sides so he's next to me pulling his milkshake across the table towards him.

I look down at the food knowing he bought it specifically for me, "How much was this? I'll pay you back?"

"Doesn't matter. You eat it, and I'm more than happy to buy it." He puts his arm around me, and I bury myself into his side. It's comfortable.

"I can't" I mumble into him.

"Hmm? Attie?"

I look at him, tears now spilling down my cheeks as he holds me closer, "I can't."

He grabs a napkin and wipes my eyes, "How long have you been holding these tears in for?" He smiles at me, it's definitely bitter sweet.

"Since this morning." I sniffle into him and he wraps me in a sweatshirt he had tied around his waist.

"I'll go get a box. You good here for a second?"

I nod, and farther engulf myself into the jacket pulling its hood up, and the zipper up to my chin. Soon enough Theos holding two paper cups and a bag on his elbow.

"I can carry something." I say.

"Alright, take your shake?" He hands it to me as I nod, but before he drops his hand back to his side, he grabs mine, "You ok with going back to mine? You can spend the night if you want."

I think about having to take off my binder in front of company, something I have done many times with the lunchtable's family—minus Dex of course. Right now the prospect of being vulnerable feels unattainable, and my chest hurts even thinking about it.

Theo looks over at me, "Have you been binding all day?"
I nod, my hand still is his, "We can hang out in the bathroom for a while, hide you behind the shower curtain."

I smile remembering when I came out to Theo as trans. We were in the same exact arrangement, well I mean sorta. I was actually taking a shower after a panic attack and Theo sat in there with me facing the door. He didn't know why the panic started, and I still don't think he does, but it was because I did plan on coming out to him before I had left his house. It was the first time I told anyone. He had just handed me a big shirt, and a pair of basketball shorts when I said it, "Im transgender. I'm a boy." After I said those words he barely waited for me to get the clothes on before he was holding me against him in a hug. We stood just hugging and crying in the shower for a long time before discussing what being a boy meant to me, and he was the one with me while I tried on different names and chose one. Somehow the joined bathroom to his bedroom became our safe space. Whenever I got stressed, which was quite often, or vice versa we always sat there.