Stress Relief

Conflicting Emotions

WARNING
This chapter contains the following themes:
-bullying
-sexual assault/harassment
-self harm/self harm scars
-attempted suicide
-blood and injuries

Please seek out a person that you trust if you ever feel the need to make an attempt on your life. Remember that you are not worthless, that there is nothing wrong with your body, sexuality, or anything of the sort. You are a beautiful, unique human being and always remember that logistically speaking, downs cannot exist with out ups, and therefore things can and will get better with time <3
• • •

After three rings, the slightly high, gravelly voice of his friend finally resonated in his room. "Eli! What's up?"

"Carson I think Chase likes me." Saying the words still shocked him. He was so caught up in the casualty of their arrangement he had forgotten the purpose of their little exchanges. Chase was figuring himself out, seeing if he liked guys. The kisses and banter were one thing, but that day in the clothing store? That was not something "friends-with-benefits" were supposed to do were they? Those little touches Chase gave him, and how he looked at him when he walked out wearing the tux he picked out, those weren't things someone who just kisses you to figure out if their bi does. He always tried to rationalize things but shit, Chase just couldn't stop looking at him after that and there was no logical explanation that it could've meant anything else-

"Eli, am I breaking up?"

"No, sorry." He shook the storm of thoughts from his head. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you meant "like like", as in Chase has feelings for you." Hearing the words from someone else still threw his brain for a loop. Chase? Someone on the complete opposite of the social ladder from him? Like him? How could someone like Chase, like someone like him?

"Yeah. That's what I meant." He clarified, before his brain could fall down another rabbit hole of questions. He took to eating his leftovers he had from lunch with the guys, they went to a really nice sandwich place and Elijah had actually eaten the entire meal, which was a first. Chase ended up buying him a second order to take home after a joke he made. Which he tried to convince him not to but, well his parents were too busy to cook dinner tonight so...

"I'm not going to say I called it but, I totally called it."

He nearly choked on his chicken salad BLT. "What do you mean you "called it"?"

"I meant what I said, did you see Chase's face when you walked out of that changing room?" He did, and God has he tried so hard to not think about the implications of the words he said.

"You look perfect."

He's heard the same thing from rom-coms and he knew that it was just a simple compliment, but hearing it directed towards him for the first time, and with such raw emotion had him on the brink of tears. "Carson, I can't date him."

"Can't? Or won't? Because those are two completely different things."

Elijah sighed, promptly closing his to-go box after suddenly losing his appetite. "I...won't." It felt horrible to say aloud, because not only was it the truth, but it was because of the fact that he didn't want it to be.

Carson hummed on the other end of the phone, the "that's what I thought" tone almost taunting him with the way it resonated in his bedroom from the wooden surface of his desk. "And would you care to explain why you won't date him, because from the way it's sounding, you do...want to date him."

The plethora of reasons why he hated the idea of dating again swarming his brain like a disturbed nest of hornets, the buzzing of each individual thought causing a build up of anxiety within his very bones. "It's...hard to put into words right now." It was a pathetic excuse, but it was the only one he had.