inhuman || the outsiders musical

inhuman

"Darry doesn't love anyone or anything, except maybe Soda. I didn't hardly think of him as being human."

Darrel takes a long drag of his cigarette before grabbing his beer. He reads the writing several times over, trying to put it into a different context, hoping it meant anything besides what it did. He knows Ponyboy didn't mean it, that things were better between the two of them now, but that didn't change how those words were making his heart break slowly. He finds himself wondering if the boys even acknowledge that he has a heart half the time. The words don't stop repeating in his head, and the feeling of a knife through his chest doesn't fade away.

Darrel had sacrificed a lot. He didn't get the chance to continue football, go to college, or find love -- instead he was being the head of his broken family, and he was trying his best. It hurt to know Ponyboy felt so coldly towards him at one point. Darrel never realized the extent of his brother's disapproval.

The sound of the front door opening, and Ponyboy stepping inside with a stone-cold look on his face makes Darrel look up. He immediately recognizes that look. He was angry. That was the same look Ponyboy would always give Darrel back then. It sinks in that at one point, Ponyboy held no emotion for Darrel other than deeply despising him.

Darrel's head turns back down, and Ponyboy notices how he's staring at that paper, re-reading each word, burning them into his mind. Every word was like a dagger striking his heart. Over and over again. "Ponyboy," he mumbles lowly before looking to his brother again, his eyes full of pain, guilt, and regret. "I never meant to be that hard on you."

Ponyboy's expression drops into one of confusion. He sees the paper in Darrel's hand and walks over to the chair, settling down on the arm of it. Then it registers what Darrel had been reading. Ponyboy reaches a hand out onto Darrel's shoulder and slowly rubs it. "I didn't mean all that... I don't even remember writing it. Sorry."

Ponyboy was never the best at apologizing, but it was always genuine. Darrel knows it's true, too. He knows deep down that what Ponyboy write isn't how he really feels. But it still cut him inside to read it.

He lets out a long, frustrated exhale and rubs his face. Ponyboy notices Darrel looks much older than he really is. He looks so rough and aged, and he knows that was the result of having to raise him and Sodapop.

"I know I'm the reason for all your stress," Ponyboy sighs, looking down at his worn-out shoes. Now guilt was washing over him, too. He blamed himself for all of Darrel's problems, the same way Darrel blamed himself for Ponyboy's. Remembering the words he wrote about Darrel made that so much worse. "Why didn't you just throw us in a boy's home? That would have been easier." His voice had started to raise, but he wasn't angry with Darrel, he was angry with himself.

Darrel is staring at the wall as those words register in his head. He was hurt, he was frustrated, but he would never be enough to send Sodapop and Ponyboy off to a group home.

After a long silence, he speaks again. "Because I love you two. And that's all it takes for me to look after you both, alright?"

Ponyboy hardly hears that from Darrel. He lets it settle in, not wanting to take the occasion for granted. "Darry... I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean it..."

Darrel sighs and throws his arm around Ponyboy's waist, pulling him into his lap, holding him like he was a little kid again. His grip was tight, as if he's afraid that if he lets go of his brother, he would be gone like before.

"You ain't got a damn thing to be sorry for, kid," he mutters gruffly, sighing and letting his head rest back against the chair. "I should be apologizin'. I didn't have my shit together in the beginning. And if I had just... done a decent job, I can't help but wondering if Johnny and Dally would still be here. That Soc kid, too."

Ponyboy's head jerks up to stare at his older brother. He can't believe it. Darrel blaming himself for Johnny's death... the way he'd been doing, too. "Don't talk like that, you're scarin me..."

Darrel shakes his head as he lets out a frustrated breath. In the moment, he believed it wholeheartedly, that everything was the effect of his own actions. "All I had to do was not lose my damn temper."

It was in that moment Ponyboy truly realized that Darrel was hardly an adult himself. He was just twenty one, and had to step into the role of a parent with no warning. He gets irrational thoughts and worries just like Ponyboy himself does. He grabs onto Darrel's shirt and shoves his face into the fabric, choking back a sob. He wanted to seem strong for Darrel, knowing how proud that gets him. But it breaks him to know that his older brother is breaking.

"Darry, come on, be nice to yourself, you can't help what happened, and I know I can't either, I know that now!" Ponyboy gets out in a mixture of coughs and whimpers. He knew now that sometimes he needed to set examples for Darrel, too. He was a hurting kid as much as himself and Sodapop.

Darrel looks down at his kid brother, his heart softening as Ponyboy buries his head in his chest. He then swallows his own tears back, letting a sad smile cross over his sunken in face. He doesn't speak, he doesn't know what to say as he just stares down at Ponyboy, a thousand thoughts rushing around in his head. Finally, he slowly reaches a hand out, setting it on the back of the kid's head with a slow exhale.

"I know... I know. It's alright, kid. It's gonna be alright."