KOKORO (Mature 18+)

3:11a.m

I can't seem to find comfort as I lay in bed.

Tossing and turning has gotten me absolutely nowhere and now I just lay listening to the semi-silence the city night provides; the distant faint chatter from the late night drinkers at Blake's Bar across the street, men and woman in denial of the ending weekend, the car alarm sounding probably two blocks over but the houses are so close the loud horn stretches out for all to hear, our widowed middle aged neighbor Ms. Brooks giving love another chance giggling on the fire escape next door like a teenage girl.

I listen and watch the old alarm clock on my nightstand, the red numbers getting higher before they reset to the next hour as my time runs out.
I don't want to be awake.

I am still up even though tomorrow is the very first day of my senior year of high school. The first and the last at the same time and for some reason I am nervous. Nervous enough that I can't sleep. For this to be the same school I've been attending with the same people I've known since kindergarten I can't put together why I have so much anxiety.

I pick up my phone and go to my messages, right before I can begin to start texting I'm beat to the punch and it brings a smile to my face.

Shi-Shi: Please tell me you're up. Dude I'm so nervous I'm going to shit myself tomorrow💀💀💀

I giggle and quickly text back, Meet on the roof.

I sit up and listen to my house for a second and then I jump out of bed and slide my slippers on and head to the window.

Very quietly I slide up the window and push up the screen and climb out onto the escape, even though I've done this many times my heart still races at the fear of being caught sneaking out, I continuously pause with every motion before I get the window down to a little crack so that I can climb back in later, I then take the very old stairs and climb down the ladder, as soon as I hit the cement pavement I'm running out of the alleyway to cross the street past the drunk now singing people and avoiding those who can spot me inside.

The moon is the only thing visible in the night sky, too much of the Connecticut city light pushes out room for the stars, the ending summer chill kisses my cheeks as I sit clenching my baggy sweatpants waiting on the roof of Blake's bar, staring down at the chipped pink sparkling paint on my toe nails in my fluffy gray Totoro slippers.

"Hey awkward girl!" I hear and my head quickly darts to the direction of the raspy cheerful voice, Shiori my best friend in the entire world comes in a green nightgown with no shoes and mismatch socks, her hair tied back into a ponytail, she's tall, 6 feet all legs, and possesses a beauty you rarely come across, her face like someone out of the movies with the figure to match, straight black hair long down her back cut evenly, blue eyes like the summer sky or the cleanest ocean.

"Shhh!" I say covering my mouth with one finger as she approaches holding two special Blake's crafted Root beer bottles.

"Girl they're trying to keep that bar open for as long as possible so don't even worry about getting caught." Shiori's family owns the Blake's bar, it has been inside her fathers family for seven generations now, across the street my family owns the Lee House restaurant, established 20 years ago when my parents came to America from Japan, this is one of the ways our families has become friends but not how we have grown to know each other.

Shiori takes a seat next to me on the plastic milk crates and we crack the sodas open and begin to drink as we look out at the rows and rows of rooftops.

"This year is going to be my greatest year yet." Shiori breaks the silence and I glance over at her.

"Yeah, how?" I ask,"Plan on partying and going out more?" I ask since that what I remembered her saying at the end of our junior year.

"Nah. Bigger then that J, I'm planning on much bigger then that." She smirks and takes another sip of the cold fuzzy drink.

"Well whatever it is I'm with you. This year is going to be different. I can just feel it." I tell her and she nods.

"You're right about that." We risked meeting way past curfew to sit in silence with the anxiety and endless ideas of the future. But that silence together on the last night of summer vacation is a night well spent.

If I could I would return back to this night when everything felt perfect. Before everything fell apart.