The PHONOI • || Lee Heeseung ||

Ink and Emotions #1

Journal entry no. 37

"I remember, and remembering is like an open wound. "
                                         ~Clarice Lispector

Dear Diary,

        It's been a week since I got enrolled in BIA and life has been strange lately, stranger than the one I had back in the states. I came here to start a new life but why does it feel like my past is haunting me? Strange things have been happening here ever since I stepped foot in this university and I have a feeling that it has all got something to do with me? Maybe I'm just being paranoid and it's all in my head. I hope that's the case though. I thought leaving the states and moving to South Korea would help me find some peace but all I have ever felt here is restlessness. Not a day went by where I didn't think about my life back at home and the events that unfolded there. I wish things could have turned out differently and I wasn't here, alone, all by myself. Here, I am just a dull character who has been overshadowed by the bright walls of BIA, The 'new girl' who transferred mid-term due to unknown reasons and not the Park Jia people knew back at home. But who am I kidding? They are so right because Park Jia and this new girl are very different from each other. Park Jia has always been at peace wherever she went, but this new girl has never once felt that so far. The only time I found a little peace was back in the university's backyard. That place was ironically peaceful and quiet. If I could, I would've stayed there for hours doing nothing but my solace was unfortunately disturbed by that annoying Lee. I mean I almost fell asleep there after having multiple sleepless nights but he had to ruin it by standing on top of my head, not literally. But you get it, right? There's something about him that irritates me a lot. I know I shouldn't be saying such things about someone but I can't help myself from feeling this way. His eyes especially looks soo bright and shiny but at the same time they look dull and distressed. Like they have been living two completely different lives.  And this is exactly what irritates me about him, that I can see through them like its not some secret buried deep under the ocean. I wonder if others can do that too? Because if they can, then he's doing a terrible job at hiding his emotions from the world. OKAY! I just realised I'm getting sidetracked here, this is about me and not some annoying student here.
So, moving on, I have been trying my best to fit in here but it's quite different from the schools I've attended. BIA is unusual and weird, I can't explain how but that's the vibe I've been getting so far. But no matter how strange Bluebells is, it's my home for the next one and a half year, and I must survive here. I made a friend too I guess? His name is Beomgyu, I'm glad he approached me on my first day or I would've been totally alone here. Well not really because I found out Jake studies here too and he's not the only one whom I know here. The other day I came across Jay and I guess you can say that it wasn't really pleasant to have seen him after all these days. It felt like all the memories, and emotions came bubbling up. All these years I've tried my best to forget all about him but there he was, standing right in front of me, totally oblivious to the chaos he created in my life. A part of me feels sorry for the way I spoke to him when he seemed genuine but that is what's best for the both of us, to not associate with each other anymore because the last time we did, it didn't end very well. I pray to the heavens that I don't bump into him anymore and that I can spend my time here exactly how I imagined.
Until next time. 
                                   
                                                        Yours, Jia.