Chapter 9

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“So I've been thinking about your predicament with Sauber and the transition to Audi which has resulted in you not having a seat. It is clear you can work miracles with an underperforming team, and given you are nowhere near ready to be in a top seat I would like to offer you a place at VCARB”

I am stunned into pure silence. On the one hand I'm elated at the job offer but I'm also a little offended at the way he offered it to me. it was like he wanted me to feel appreciative that I'm even getting an offer, which don't get me wrong, I am. 

My brain takes a few more seconds to compute what exactly has just been said to me and it doesn't take long for me to say:

“I would love to accept the offer” 

He clasps his hands together and says “perfect”. 

I find out I'm replacing Danny at VCARB and at first I'm apprehensive, I assume he doesn't have a seat for next year which makes me feel bad as he's my idol and someone I have looked up to for ages, but I'm quickly reassured when Helmut informs me that he's going to Red Bull. 

The second I leave the Red Bull building I make my way straight to the hotel to tell Max. I push past the huge flock of people still crowding on the usually quiet and tranquil  streets of Monaco. 

The sun is setting and the dim street lights have come on, but as I approach the hotel the abundance of lights stick out like a beacon of grandeur. I enthusiastically push the elevator button repetitively before the doors eventually open on the third floor. 

I lightly knock on the mahogany door and await for Max to open which doesn't take long. He has a towel draped over his shoulder and his hair is still slightly wet from the shower he had obviously taken moments before my arrival. He quickly invites me in and I stand in front of the bed, smiling ecstatically. 

“What are you so happy about?” He asks.

“Well you know how next year I don't have a seat, well I do now” 

“What?” He asks his tone of voice increasing a little. 

“Helmut has offered me a seat at VCARB”

“Oh” is the only thing he can mutter. 

“What's wrong I thought you would be happy for me”

As I finish my question he takes a seat on the edge of the bed wiping the towel across his face, avoiding all eye contact with me. I take a seat next to him and repeat my question. 

“What's wrong?”

“It's nothing” he replies 

“It's clearly something” 

“It's just with you going to VCARB I don't think it's the right choice for you” 

I am totally stunned to silence, the man who should be happy and supporting me is telling me I made the wrong decision. 

“Why is it a bad choice?” I ask standing up from the bed. 

He can't even look up at me or mutter anything. 

“Max Emilian Verstappen if you don't answer me I am walking out that door and we are done and we have only just made up” 

I give him 5 seconds and when he doesn't change anything I walk out leaving him where he is. 

TW - SH

In my room I block Max on every social media account I have and I block his contact and remove him to avoid temptation. Lying in my bed I can't help but have these festering thoughts that seem to mount up. I would go to Ollie as he's not far from here but I don't want to bother him. I finally have enough of the guilt and pain and go into the bathroom. I pull my shorts down to reveal my thighs and look at the linear scars that are a constant reminder of my past. The only one who knows about it is ollie, sure Max has seen me without my clothes on but I have always somehow managed to hide them from him. It was my way of releasing my emotions. Ollie tried to make me go to a doctor and I said I did but I never did. I knew that once I had a label on my medical record such as ‘depression' no team or sports board would ever medically clear me to join their team. I am lucky that there aren't that many, maybe 3 or 4 on each thigh and they overlap and are easily hidden by my underwear so at every medical examination I have been able to hide them.

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