old man yaoi

😩

From the moment Giotto is born, he is raised by his parents to be a devout Catholic. Their small town: overrun by poverty and petty criminals is only held together by the ceremonies that the Church adorns when possible- perhaps a futile way to try and keep what little piece is left.

He is told by all of the adults the basics and fundamentals of what comes with the religion. He is bestowed with the responsibilities of growing up, marrying a lovely woman and having kids in which he could pass on the teachings from his elders; some kind of love letter passed down from generation to generation.

He could never tell his mother that he did not like to go to Church. Perhaps it is the way he is forcibly dragged along by his mother; dressed up in clothes in which make him feel like some type of holy mantlepiece. He does not like the way the hall echoes with an 'Amen' once the sermon is finished.

It is not to say he does not believe in the teachings of the Bible. He believes in God's words and will, he believes that God is absolute. He clutches rosemary in his hand as he sleeps, studies the Bible, and prays in the the comforting silence of his own room. It feels somewhat refreshing, better than being forced into a stuffy room: listening to the same man preach the same verse; a desperate grasp for some semblance of peace.

Giotto also believes in the fact that homosexuality is a sin. He feels some type of morbid disgust at the thought of men touching, men kissing. God made men and women for a reason, did he not? What excuse did men have to instead want to ignore the warmth and presence of a woman, and instead indulge in the presence of a man instead?

He recoils at the thought.

Giotto is young when he meets Cozart Simon. He remembers the way their hands met; the way his smile was wide, teeth slightly crooked. He remembers the man's red hair, slightly unkempt, but in a way which still made him look slightly cute.

Giotto feels his stomach churn at the thought. Why does he remember the specific details of Simon Cozart? Why does he remember more about him than he does any woman his mother had introduced him to? Why does he feel his stomach drop when the other man laughs, compared to the boredom that he feels when he pretends to laugh at the jokes of the woman in front of him?

Giotto wishes that he had never understood what it meant. He grips the rosemary tight, he gets down on both knees in front of the statue in the Church, and he cries. It's a silent sob- one of a horrid realisation. He moves his other hand to grip at the stone of the statue, and looks up in some kind of desperate hope that it was a mistake. But as the night continues, his grip loosens, and he falls onto the cold floor of the Church, eyes closing in morbid revelation.

Giotto does not say anything to anyone about his desires. He would be shunned, disowned and brutally beaten for being such an individual. He continues to go on dates organised by his mother; desperate to forget about the haunting thoughts of Cozart.

It does not work. After each and every date, he finds himself as close as he can get to Cozart; and he can't help but hate himself more. He wishes to connect their hands, he wishes to hold him tightly, he wishes to wed the other man. But as each day comes and goes, he can only distance his touch from the other man, and smile as he talks, trying to distract himself from staring and wishing that their lips were connected.