Jake x Johnnie | one shots

004; relapse (TW)

TW: Self Harm, depression, suicidal thoughts.

he didn't mean to do it.

Well, maybe he did, but it was only meant to be one. There was no harm that. At least, there wouldn't be if that one didn't turn into 5. Then 10. And then he lost cost.

Johnnie sat on the cold tile floor of his bathroom, back rested against the side of the tub, arms stinging and red. On the floor beside him was a razor, stained red from the blood that was collecting small beads from the cuts he had inflicted on himself with it.   He held his arms above his jeans since, they were black so if anything dripped, which it was starting to, at least he wouldn't get it on the white floor.

He reached for a roll of toilet paper, ripping off a few pieces of it and wrapping it around his arm as a makeshift bandage, until he could get the first aid kit...which, unfortunately wasn't in the bathroom. Or his room. It was most likely in the kitchen where it could be easily accessed by both Jake and Johnnie. He used to keep a mini first aid kit in his room but that was maybe 2 years ago. He'd gotten clean, and didn't think he'd need it anymore so he got rid of it. Bad decision, that he now regretted.

He regretted doing this, too.

Johnnie had been doing so well, in terms of staying clean, 2 years. Almost. Now he had to restart the process all over again.

Did he? Was there a point in trying to get clean again, if he relapsed anyway? Maybe there wasn't. Maybe he could just carry, it made him feel better so maybe it was worth it, even if it was only momentary relief from his thoughts and emotions, at least he got that minutes of escape as he dragged the blade through is skin.

It wasn't a healthy way to cope. He knew it wasn't, but for some reason, that knowledge never stopped him from doing it again. Maybe he'd just be doing this for the rest of his life. Whether that was 70 more years, 10 more,  5.... Maybe even sooner, although he didn't necessarily plan on killing himself anytime soon.

He was too scared. Sure, he hoped, that maybe he would be lucky and would die of a heart attack when he was asleep. Or maybe he'd get into a bad car crash and wouldn't survive. But he wouldn't kill himself, as much as he wanted to and thought about it.

It wasn't the process he was afraid of, he'd hurt himself many times in the past, had a few 'attempts' when he was younger. The thing that scared him is what came after. What if he failed? That would be embarrassing, and people would be worried. Jake would be. Or who knows, maybe he'd hate him.

Or, he'd succeed. He'd die. But then what? What came after death? Peace, nothing? Worse than this?

He was afraid of what was after death, but if something suddenly killed him, he'd be glad.

It didn't really make sense to him, that he was afraid to kill himself, but he wasn't afraid to get killed, because the actual fear part of it would happen either way, wether he did it himself or something else did it for him. It was stupid.

Maybe he was just a coward. Or doomed to a full life of depression and constant misery.

He didn't want to live like this, but was too scared to do anything about it.

Well, sitting here on the floor certainly wasn't gonna solve anything so he might as well go get that first aid kit, hopefully Jake wasn't in the kitchen or anywhere near it, because he didn't really have an excuse for if he asked about it. Jake knew about his past, and he would definitely be suspicious. He couldn't know about this. Johnnie didn't want him to think that he was an attention seeker for doing it, or dramatic.

He was dramatic. But not an attention seeker. Just hurting.
But his brain wouldn't register that. It gaslights Johnnie into thinking he's just doing this for attention, when in reality, attention is the last thing he'd want.