I am hardcore spying right now, not really but kind off, I am at the gym with my brother and I am keenly watching his every action through the perfectly placed mirrors across from me on the back wall. I am walking on the treadmill, and every second or so step I take I can feel my shoe lace bang in my other leg. It tickles but is
also absolutely triggering like when today in class while watching our English film my friend kept practicing her oral speech. But extremely quietly so I could only hear when she's pronounced sss. I just kept hearing sss sss. I
think that experience was like some sort of evil torture. If I hadn't of known that it was going to end in 40 minutes I would have thrown an absolute fit and probably most definitely thrown things. After asking nicely if she
could stop it, and to just relax because my speech is in two days and I haven't even written it yet so she is going to be absolutely fine because I am also going to be absolutely fine and look at the situation I am in. At
the gym I want to get better at long distance running, I am an absolute failure of a runner but that is ok because I have my running shoes on and that will set me up for anything. Even though the laces of these shoes are causing me absolutely anxiety. An hour later I am still here, waiting patiently, annoying the hell out of my brother, finding his friend a job. Also I messaged my manager about his application and he has been rejected like several times because of his availability's which is pretty dodgy, but idk. My gym experience is really one to remember. And like I told my friend, it is character building. I do learn a lot though. Like the different between a pull up and a chin up, but not the real difference like what muscles they use because that is to much information for my head to hold. That kind of information, eg any facts in general are the reason I think I may fail out of year twelve. My brother just jokingly threw a 10kg ball at his friend, that's totally responsible, he should totally be allowed to go to the gym by himself. My brother decide he is going to bulk up, he wants to be super strong and buff, but I honestly don't think he has the genetics for it, neither do I, especially with all the Maccas I eat but I am so totally determined to remake myself. Slash just make myself a little bit stronget.
I went to one of those people who like readjust your back and muscles maybe 3 years ago. I asked him if there was a justified reason that when I sit down at school all day I get incredibly bad sharp stabbing, maybe shooting pains (i don't know which one because I have been stabbed but not shot (actually I have been shot I went to paint ball for a birthday party this year (that has to count))). Either way I was told that my rediculous pain is because I have a terribly weak core and that y poor hamstrings are brunting the force of it. They take all the strength that my ab muscles lack. It is now my time to take my strength back and start working our my core muscles so that maybe if I ever get an office job I will be able to sit down all day without having pain that I Like compare to a street sooting or drug house stabbing (even thought I have never experienced either, I am enjoying being dramatic now.) But why would I be in a drug house, well that is a great question. I have no self control and my intrusive thoughts often turn into intrusive action. That always result in my friends asking me why did you do that? And luckily I always come up with an excellent excuse, one that you could never predict, an excuse that is so bad ass that I will be get out of trouble queen. "I was having intrusive thoughts" by now they all understand that my actions are ridiculous and totally not comprehensible. while eating I often throw things, to which I respond, sorry I was just thinking, and my thoughts well, they came true.
I was joking with them last week that I don't know what I want to do with my life, and today I thought maybe I could be a comedian, I think I am funny sometimes, and I just totally love the attention. So much I would love to be onstage performing for an audience, but maybe not as comedian because at what point do people stop laughing at my jokes and begin laughing at me. I couldn't handle that, now anyway. I don't like it when people laugh at me, I don't like it when people give any sort of response that is judging me, positively or negatively. Tomorrow I have to present an English oral, I just mostly finished writing it. I still have to proof read it again, print it out and stick it on cue cards. I am utterly totally and miserably fucked. But I am content. I hope anyway.
Today I got to work at a different McDonalds than I usually do. I pulled out my fun and interesting, super intense and totally irresistible personality so that everyone would be charmed by my absolute impeccable conversation skills. And it totally worked. I Just couldn't access one guys brain (that sounds weird, I just totally couldn't have a conversation with him). He was like a rock. He had no personality, other than his bromance with this guy who I am conveniently going to name Jack 2 because he is the second who works at that store who I met and he is defenently 2 level personality. That is mean, I only new the guy for 2 hours and I have judged the life out of him, an somehow I have just now realised that I know another person who shares that name with him and is just as totally ridiculous as him, they may as well be the same person. My day was totally and utterly boring, I spent most of it trying to figure out where to start with ally my homework that I am behind in with no luck at all. I had one free period but I didn't even get to relax in. I decided that I was going to do a core workout tonight, you know to maybe begin releasing the pressure and pain off of my ham strings, but I forgot until now. It is very disappointing. I tend to forget a lot of things, a lot of the time. I create checklists for myself sometimes, the result is always that I forget I made the checklist and by the time I
remember I have it I am to overwhelmed to even being working on it. Or some timer I just don't even understand what is written on the checklist. My specifically most effective checklist (not because it is working well but because it is severely affecting my mental health) is a page long dot point check of list whatever one on my notes app is all the work I have to do for my visual communication class. I don't know where to start because it is so much work. I don't know how to do the work because I just don't understand what I am meant
to be doing. And worst of all I do quite often ask for help in class, and my mum always says "well if you don't know ask the teacher to help you" but the answers never help me understand what I am man tot be doing, I
just get more confused and concerned and then decide it Is to much and do something else. At the moment there is nothing else I could be doing it is just vis comm. But I somehow refuse to do it, like she's not going to fail me (actually she probably will even if I give her all the work she wants) I think I am going to rely on acing
the exam to get my score up really high, I need to do the same thing for product design as well because I think I have a pretty good idea of what I am doing in that class and how the work I do is relevant...
