Dilectus Miles- a medieval lgbtq romance

Dilectus Miles

My skinny legs trembles with a mixture of exhaustion and fear. The line in front of me is getting shorter and shorter as the blood in the streets flows into the crowd. Most of the spectators in the audience laugh and jeer, some are looking despairing while others look in triumph at the prisoners. In the middle of the gathering I can hear a woman crying out for her loved one, heartbroken, crying deep from her throat, I wish someone could scream with as much desperation when it's my turn, it would be enough to see just one tear shed, but my sin is so great that not even the almighty will weep for me. The only one who could scream with the same passion as the woman after me is dead and it's all my fault.

Ever since I was a small child, I was a big disappointment, I was not smart enough to read the sacred texts in Latin or brave enough to speak in front of the people in church. I wasn't particularly handsome either, just a normal scrawnyy little boy. My father, the village priest, was the complete opposite. He was a very stern and stately man. The older I got, the higher his demands on me became. The church that was like my second home was even destroyed because of him. Everything inside the church just reminded me of what a disappointment I was to my father. There was only one reason why I wanted to go there every service, him.

The first time I saw Johan I was 14 years old, even then I had strong feelings for him. His presence in the church made me very nervous. I couldn't take my eyes off him it was a mixture of envy and admiration, why did God give him the privilege of having such a handsome appearance. One could trace every feature of his face with a brush. I analyzed every move he made and how his golden blonde hair fell perfectly onto his sharp jaw that could cut through wool. His posture was stable and you could tell he was lifting heavy objects often.

The first time I spent time with Johan I was 16 years old. It was a Sunday morning and I was going to read a prayer in front of the people in the church, "P-pater noster, qui es in cae-elis. S-sanc-ctif-fic-cet-tur nomen tuum. Ven-niat reg-gnum tuum." that was as far as I could stammer before my father took over with a displeased gesture. Everyone in the room seemed annoyed with me, I can't even say a short little prayer without getting it right, I thought to myself. When I was sitting and ranting about my foolishness, I suddenly noticed that someone was looking at me from the corner of my eye, I turned my head slowly and to my surprise it was Johan who was glaring at me with an empathetic look. My whole body became rigid and it felt like 1000 daggers stabbed into my stomach as his deep brown eyes looked at me. He was even more beautiful than when I first saw him, I finally let out a small wistful smile in response and quickly turned my attention back to my father and the service continued.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about the way he looked at me, it was burned into my brain. No one had met me with such a glaze before, it was as if he wanted to tell me with his look that he saw me for who I am and that I am sufficient. That's when it hit me that that small act of kindness showed me more compassion than my father has given me in my entire life, how hard can it be to show a little mercy? He didn't even know me, I'm your son, I'm the one who should be disappointed in you! My thoughts made me so upset that I stormed out of the church, I was no longer bothered by the thought of embarrassing myself or my father.

Once I reached the armory, the crying caught up with me. I sat sobbing to myself in the stairwell, it felt good to finally let out everything that has been boiling inside me. But the loneliness didn't last long before I got company. I heard a gentle soft voice with a clear tone ask, "What's troubling you?" when I looked up, I saw that it was Johan standing only a few meters in front of me. I replied, "only my father's harsh demands I cannot fulfill." Johan asked if he could sit down and I made room for him in the stairwell. I could smell his scent that smelled like earth mixed with some kind of unique essence of his own. "I understand how you feel, even my father has high demands on me so that he can have an extraordinary knight for a son." said Johan while rolling his eyes. "Knight?" my eyes were opened enthusiastically. That I didn't understand it before, ever since I was a small youth, my biggest fantasy has been to become a powerful and brave knight, but that's exactly what it was, a fantasy. Even if I were to get permission from my father, I was still too timid and weak. Johan was everything I thirsted to be. "I'm training to become a knight at Jan's farm just a few blocks away from the church. It would be an honor to train with you." I was ambivalent, in case my father finds out that I fought with a knight on the holy day of rest, I will not be allowed to leave the church again for the next few years, besides, I will only embarrass myself and the last thing I want is for Johan to consider me to be a fool, I thought to myself. Finally I agreed, what do I have to lose? It was also very difficult for me to say no to Johan, he had a kind of power that made me trust him, he made me really warm inside and I couldn't stop smiling when I thought of him. At first I thought he was a wizard.

I was absolutely correct that I would look like a fool when we trained together, yet he didn't make a single disparaging comment, he was really patient with me and my misery. After a while with many failed attempts at success, I gave up. I still enjoyed watching from a distance as he trained himself with his sword against invisible enemies.

When the day begins to come to an end, it was time to say goodbye, me and Johan sat in the meadow while we talked about everything between heaven and earth. In front of us was a small lake but so far it was too cold to take a swim in it. I don't think I've ever talked so much in my life, usually I just politely answered questions others ask me. It felt like Johan had been my companion for as long as I can remember, he already knew more about my fears, dreams and moral dilemmas than my father does. "I wish the day could be longer." said Johan. "Let's meet at the same place next week!" I replied. "Would the pompous priest's son reject a pious Sunday for my sake?" said Johan with a mischievous smile on his lips. I gave him a playful nudge as I said "I'll take that as a yes." he then took my hand in his and shook it gently, the handshake lasted unusually long, I didn't want to let go. We exchange eye contact for a second. "Then we say so" said Johan before we went our separate ways.

I had to sneak in through the window of my house, as far as my father knows I have been in my room since the incident at the service, it was not unusual for me to do such mischief.
That night I didn't sleep much filled with adrenaline and excited for what was to come. Now I had to wait a whole week before I can feel his presence again, feel his touch again.