Just a Big Mess

Chapter 1

Both Taylor and Travis have been complete messes since the start of their relationship - if you could even call it an actual relationship. He's here with her more than he's anywhere else but they pretty much just get drunk and have a lot of sex, the both of them teetering on the edge of alcoholism. They'd started this whole thing to escape their own problems, both just wanting sex. She knows he's going through a lot mentally, although he won't talk about it, and she is as well, but she doesn't talk to anyone about any of it. She's pretty sure if she tried to talk about any of it someone would lock her up in an asylum and throw away the key. So you can imagine her panic when she started throwing up each morning. She supposes the level of drinking the two of them do could lead to some sloppy protection measures.

Taylor ignores the vomiting for two weeks, wanting her denial to make the problem go away. Travis has been staying with her the whole time, but luckily ends up so wasted he sleeps like the dead, never noticing when she slips out of bed in the early hours of the morning to empty the contents of her stomach. But finally, this morning she knows she can't deny anything anymore. This isn't going to be a case of ignoring it until the problem goes away. This is so much more serious than that. After she's finished throwing up, Taylor crawls across the bathroom floor to reach into the back of her cabinet, pulling out two pregnancy tests. Her eyes blur with tears, this cannot be happening she thinks, not knowing what the fuck to do with a baby, or what Travis will do, or how this could work with how mentally unstable they both are. She sucks in a deep breath before peeing on both of the stupid sticks, popping the caps back on and turning them over. She sets her timer and begins pacing the bathroom, her stomach doing flips, feeling so ridiculously nauseous but she's unsure if she can attribute it to being pregnant or being so anxious she can barely breathe. This isn't how she'd ever expected this sort of moment to go. For one, her and Travis aren't in love. She cares about him for sure, but nothing really beyond that. And second, she'd always pictured this happening with Joe, the one man she'd truly seen a future with - the only problem had been that he didn't see one with her. Her mind is a sea of a thousand different thoughts right now, but they all stop the moment her timer sounds. She quickly turns it off, not wanting it to wake Travis. Taylor stares at the tests sitting in front of her, unsure how she's going to work up the courage to turn them over. Maybe she should make Travis do this, after all it's 50% his fault. No, she decides, she needs to do this for herself. After biting her lip for a few more moments, she reaches out a shaky hand to grab the first test. She brings it towards her and flips it. Pregnant. The word is clear as day and she just begins bawling. She spent the 14 years of her sex life being so careful, knowing something like this could completely derail her career, and then all it took was a load of shitty things happening, and a mental breakdown for her to become careless. She finds herself falling to her knees and throwing up into the toilet again, clutching the test in her right hand.

After a few more moments of panic, she flips over the other test just to be sure, and it confirms it. She's pregnant. Taylor lifts up her shirt, looking at her reflection and turning to the side. There's not bump yet. God she looks a mess though, her hair hasn't been brushed in days, she hasn't even left the house in a week, she's only wearing Travis' t-shirt that she'd pulled on to come throw up, and the bags under her eyes are aging her like 10 years. She's never hated herself more than she does right now. How could she have been so stupid? Taylor stands there looking at herself for a bit longer before wiping the tears from her face. She knows she needs to tell Travis, and she knows she needs to get better before this kid comes. She already knows she'll keep it, even if it'll be the hardest thing she's ever done. She needs to kick into gear, and she needs to take care of herself for the next 9 months. She isn't sure she'll be doing this with Travis by her side, he certainly needs to clean up his own mental health before taking care of a baby. She's hoping he'll want to try, but she also won't hold it against him if he doesn't. But first things first, telling him.