The Chronicles Of The Girl With Borderline Personality Disorder

Chapter 3 - Lowest Of The Low

  Thankfully as I walk into my house my mom is asleep on the couch probably high off of whatever drug she's addicted to this week. I quietly tiptoed past the couch careful not to wake her and head into my room releasing a breath I didn't even know I was holding in.

As I'm laying in my bed researching Borderline Personality Disorder I begin to understand that one this disorder is extremely complex and two I relate to a lot of the shit that comes with Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometime during my research I guess I started crying because I can feel my tears lingering on my cheeks. I begin to hear these voices in my head saying things like "You're crazy", "You'll never live a normal life", "You're a failure". My mind is making this diagnosis feel like the worst thing in the world and suddenly I feel as if I can't control the unbearable sadness and pain I'm experiencing right now. The voices keep bouncing around in my head. It's like I can't think or hear anything but these voices. It's like I'm standing in front of a dam and the water just keeps rushing through. I'm trying to breathe, trying to think of anything other than what's going through my head but nothing seems to be working. I tried texting my boyfriend but I know he's at work right now and I don't wanna burden him. I haven't even told him about what's going on because frankly I don't know how to explain it. I try to occupy my mind but the voices are so loud and I can't get them to go away. They just seem to get worse and worse as I'm trying to get them to disappear. I've had something like this happen to me before but I always blamed it on my anxiety or my depression but after getting diagnosed today and doing research on it I realized that this is so much more than my anxiety or my depression. From what my research told me my anxiety and depression clash with the disorder and makes these "episodes" worse. I eventually get the voices to go away but now I feel embarrassed that this even happened to me to begin with.