With Love,

PROLOUGE

I tossing and  twisting in my sheet bed . Sweat trickles down my skin, clinging to me, I thrash in the linens. With each gasp for breath, the  dampness of the sheets matting my hair in my sleep. The struggle for dreamland becomes unreachable and fall into my personal hell.

* 15 years ago *
The terrible dream always starting the same way, with me in the backseat of our black sedan ,my big curly hair bouncing around as I  sway to the beat and sing along to "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. My missing front tooth whistles as , I laugh freely, my eyes flitting to my father who chuckles with me.

My father sits beside me, his suit impeccable, his eyes crinkling with genuine delight as he watches me. His salt and pepper hair still quite full for his age. He's singing too, his deep voice blending with mine, a rare moment of carefree happiness. His hand taps the rhythm on the back of the front seat. His smile is warm and infectious, a beacon of love and pride.

His suit neat and intact even after a day of children's activities . My dress a soft pastel pink with big satin bow on the back, faded chocolate gelato staining my handmade cardigan's front. I start to exclaim to my father about to today activities as if he wasn't there as well, but he listens anyway with the brightest smile on his face. The chauffeur rolls down the tinted window giving my father the ETA, before rolling the glass back up.

But as the dream progresses, the memory is tainted. I feel the jolt before I see anything. Bright lights blare through the side of my window before a sharp pain shoots up my leg and I look towards my father. The car swerves violently, the music abruptly cut off, replaced by the screeching of tires and the deafening crunch of metal. I'm thrown against my seatbelt, my small body jarred painfully. My father quickly unclips his seatbelt and covers me. Everything becomes a chaotic blur of sounds and sensations.

I can hear but suddenly I can't see. Darkness envelops me, my vision obscured by a curtain of fear and confusion. The silence that follows is even more terrifying, punctuated only by the distant sounds of car horns and indistinct shouting. My head throbs, my heart pounds, and I can feel the panic rising in my chest, a cold, suffocating weight.

"Papa?" My voice is small and trembling, a child's voice. "Papa, are you okay?"

There's no response, only the unsettling quiet. I try to move but it hurts and my hands instinctively go to my lower stomach, and that when my eyes finally open, and see the metal rod going through my father and myself .The world around me is muffled, like I'm underwater, the sounds distorted and far away. Tears prick my eyes, and I can feel them sliding down my cheeks, warm and salty.

Drip

Drip

Drip

"Papa," I whisper again, my voice breaking. My blood covered hand touches his cheek. " Mariposa , I'm here" he says weakly, a tear trailing his cheek. The fear is overwhelming, a tangible thing that grips my heart and squeezes. " I love you and your mama so much mariposa" he says but this time with a cough a blood covers my face.  My eyes widen and my face is filled with tears. I feel it over again like my chest is being stomped in. I see him fading away and theres nothing I can do but watch.

He continues to speak but my ear start to ring and I bring my other hand to meet his face.

Drip

Drip

Drip

I take in his woody cologne, my breathes farther apart as I gasp for air and look at my father. His sad smile stuck on his face , his wrinkled eyes vacant, devoid of emotion. My arms drop from his face and my ear start to ring again.

I try to focus, to reach out, but my body won't obey. My mind is a whirl of terror and helplessness. All I can do is lie there, trapped in the nightmare, my thoughts a jumble of fear and desperate hope.

Drip

Drip

Drip

The splatter of his blood dripping methodically on my forehead driving me insane, I try to yell but my efforts are in vain.  I hear people whispering and the faint sound of sirens , and then finally someone screams " THERES A GIRL UNDER THERE, SHE'S ALIVE. " . They rest of the noise fades as I focus on his face .

DRIP

And then, as the darkness closes in, the last coherent thought I have is of my father. Is he okay? Will we be okay? A inkling tells me that he's gone but I hold onto hope with the question echoing in my mind as the dream fades, leaving me with the lingering fear that it wasn't just a dream, but a memory that will haunt me forever.