Sinister Desires

Chapter 1:beneath the sinner's gaze

Katya

~

The night was cold, and the atmosphere pulsed with an eerie silence that made my ears ring. I couldn't move or breathe, and I found myself gazing at the chasm below. As if regaining consciousness for a moment, the only thought that crossed my mind and broke that deafening stillness was a single question:"Why can't I do it?". I take a sharp breath in, the freezing air making my lungs ache, hands trembling on the giant metal bridge, trying to force myself to move at least one inch. That's all I have to do. Jump off this bridge and put an end to this misery called life.

My long, dark hair keeps getting blown in my face like a shadow covering my vision with each small gust of wind, but I can't even be bothered to move it out of the way. At this point, it has become slightly wet and frizzy because of the humidity, and my glasses are foggy.

A quick thought made me chuckle for a bit; I'm not sure why this popped into my head at that time. I remembered how an ex of mine used to comment on my appearance whenever it was dark, and I kept my head down for some reason. He said my brown eyes look almost completely black at night, and the hair getting in my face from the wind makes me look demonic. It didn't bother me back then; instead, I thought it was actually funny.
More and more thoughts slowly creep their way into my mind.

First, my divorce, which was absolutely dreadful. Being the poor woman whose husband left her for a man, the looks of pity I got from everyone in town were worse than the divorce itself. I don't need their pitying looks or snarky remarks and giggles from the few who found it hilarious. Those disgusting laughs still echoing in the back of my mind make me want to puke my guts out.

There was only one person who consoled me during those times, letting me stay at his place for a while until I could return to my parents. It was a pitiful sight, really. I found this intimidating-looking man sobbing behind the abandoned building I often visited to clear my head.

His piercing gaze carried a darkness most would mistake for hatred, but I saw it for what it was-despair. It was the raw fear akin of a wounded animal backed into a corner. He wasn't intending to hurt me, but there was a tension in his body, jaw clenched and teeth grinding as if he expected to defend himself at any second. Even so, I didn't leave.

The tears building up in his ice-cold blue eyes made my heart tightened like a warm, brutal embrace.
Instead, I stayed, offering him what little I had with me-a bite of food, kindness and the comfort of an embrace.
He had recently gone through a divorce, just as I had. We bonded over our shared pain and got along well until the time came for me to leave. I do miss him sometimes.

And the cherry on top, not even two months later after returning to my hometown, I lost both my parents in an "accident."

Their car suddenly blew up right when Dad started the ignition in front of the house while waiting for me to come out and leave for the market. The police ruled it out as some sort of malfunction and, of course, didn't investigate further.

But I've seen this before. I know what it means, but I can't explain it. Someone definitely set this up, but why us? They weren't any political figures or anything-dirt poor, full of debt, with barely any friends or family, let alone enemies, of all things. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Who would do something so drastic? And why? To send a message or a warning? My mind is a mess.

I find that my life has been constant exercise of imitation, always acting. It's draining and exhausting. I'm very used to anger and sadness, perhaps even love at times. Anything else is hard to understand, I'm not sure how to deal with things like grief or sorrow since it's like I can't even feel them. I was sad my parents were dead, sure. But I didn't really..cry much? Maybe a day or a week at most did I feel intense sadness. I felt nothing afterwards aside from this overwhelming anger. A need to bring them justice and punish whoever did this, make them suffer.