The Italian Delight

five

Marco tried to convince himself to change his mind. In every single second, he hoped to find a reason why he shouldn't meet John.

He was unsure about how both of them would react to seeing each other, nonetheless, he wanted to try it.
He wanted to try so he could say he did everything in order to save the friendship he had with John.

It meant making up another excuse for Sophie and again not using it, because she already had made her plans about going to a shopping mall with her friends.

This would usually bother Marco a little.

Not that he would be mad that Sophie spends time with her friends, it was probably because he felt guilty after declining Sophie's company.

And Sophie seemed to be avoiding Marco's.

Still, all these concerns weren't as relevant as usual when Marco was so aware of the situation with John.

After school, he took a few deep breaths and tried his best to figure out if he should visit him.
He never felt so weird about going to that house, in fact, it always meant a safe place to hide.

It was a house that felt like home.

And John wasn't mean.
He never jumped to conclusions like Marco did. John used to say it was his way to limit the possibility of a misunderstanding. Maybe this all was just a misunderstanding, and an open conversation could be the key.

His heartbeat accelerated with every single step toward John's house. The sound of every single conversation the two of them had in these places in his ears made him shiver. He could be losing this all in a few moments.

As he had seen that house, his body started to feel like freezing.
He wanted to do it as quickly as he could, so that no annoying thoughts would distract him.

With a deep inhale, he pressed the doorbell button.

It felt like time stopped, he stood with his trembling finger still on the button, his breathing heavy, his eyes scanning the door and waiting for it to move. He was probably too stressed to think, because if he wasn't, he'd turn around and run away like there'd be a lion chasing him.

It all twisted in him as he saw the door opening.

John stood there, in front of him, looking both concerned and surprised.
It was all Marco could recognise in that sight, but he was sure there was no anger or annoyance.

"Marco? Are you alright? Come in."

And suddenly, it felt absurd to Marco that he feared John being mad. And he rather stayed silent, because he didn't want to be the reason for John to get mad.

As soon as he stepped inside, he felt much calmer. His heartbeat was starting to slow down to the normal pace, the intense cold was fading away, and he was thankful.

"So, what happened?"
Quiet words from these parted lips. Enough for Marco's heartbeat to speed again.
But that was wrong.

"Well, I want to apologise. I didn't realise how ungratefully I sounded and how greedy I was. I appreciate you as a friend and as a person who knows everything about me, and I am sorry. After all your care and support you've provided I had the audacity to be so rude and blaming it on being with Sophie. I mean, you were the only person I could rely on, and I disappointed you because of her. I hope you know I realised this mistake was stupid from me and I want to say I'm sorry, but I fully understand if you don't want a friend like me. A friend who needs too much and then blames you for providing it. I'm sorry."

Marco was loosing himself in his thoughts.

Almost as if he left his own body and couldn't really focus on what words he was using, his mind running completely free as he was mentioning all the points he truly meant.

As if he couldn't stop the flow of his own words.

John just tried to understand the meaning of the sentences Marco was throwing at him.
He could just slowly blink in confusion, looking into Marco's sad, guilty eyes.

"You're sorry? Why do you- I don't know why you sound so guilty, you did nothing wrong- you have a girlfriend whom you love, and I shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable, it's not your fault I-"

John's voice was messy, and he was realising how uncharacteristic of him that is.
He didn't have a single thought prepared, because in fact, he didn't think Marco would want to come back.

His voice was trembling with nervousness.
He didn't have a word prepared to save the most precious friendship he ever had. Unusual of him.
Pathetic.

"That's it. I wasn't uncomfortable. That's probably what made me say the things I said. I love Sophie, but I felt so comfortable, so cared about in your arms. You held me when I needed it and when I was thinking about it, I think I believed she should hold me and I should be safe with her, not you. I-"

"But she never held you, did she?"

Marco's lips parted as if he wanted to say something, just to slowly breathe out without a single word. John was right.

John was right.

"Please, don't think of her lowly. She's a great person."

Marco sounded like he was loosing himself. His eyes were starting to shimmer under the fresh layer of warm tears, begging John for such an absurd thing.

He was way too naive to face the truth, and he knew it. Both of them knew it.
John was annoyed but tried to pretend he respected it, Marco was annoyed but still in love with her.

And they were just sitting quietly in the living room of John's house, starting into each other's eyes.

"I should go now, it's getting late"

Marco's heart was shivering. Somehow, he prayed John would ask him to stay.

One simple word.

But John only sighed desperately with his eyes closed.

"Marco, you're my closest person. And I respect I'm not your closest person. I can pretend it doesn't bother me if it's going to save out friendship or if it's going to make you smile. But I think you know so damn well you want much more than her. I'm not going to touch you again, because I understand you believe she should be the one who does that. If she doesn't, it's not my problem. I am your friend, maybe I tried a little too much, but I believed I was doing the right thing. I don't know why you pretend you're satisfied with less than you deserve, but that's not really my business. Love whoever you want to love. Just... just don't forget me, please."

Marco couldn't deny a single word John said, which made him shiver. He needed to be held.
Desperately needed to be held.
To be told he doesn't want to throw this all away.

Without a word, Marco's arms wrapped around John.

John let out a painful sigh, but was way too touched by seeing Marco like this, so he didn't push him away. He felt Marco's tears on his shoulder. Enough for John to hug that little trembling mess a little bit tighter.

"I don't want to lose you, Marc."

Marco felt everything and nothing at once. But what mattered the most to him,
He felt John.

He felt those fingers going through his hair, being held close to John's body by his other hand. He couldn't help but feel like this all was so right.

Like this all was meant to be.

"I don't want to lose you either. Let's not lose each other, then."

John chuckled as he felt Marco's hair slipping through his fingers.

"Sounds amazing to me."

"Yeah? Sounds great to me as well."

Neither one of them could deny how thankful they were.

"Do you want to stay?"
John's eyes were drowning in Marco's. There was care in his eyes, care and empathy.

"Please. Don't let me leave. Not yet."