The Italian Delight

four

The morning was difficult.

Marco woke up just a few minutes before he had to start getting ready for another day. As soon as he opened his eyes though, there was a brand new thought of the day.

Just at the beginning of it.

This day did have some potential.

But instead, Marco's head again couldn't resist questioning all the events of the last night.

He knew he needed to be guided through that suffering and he knew he trusted John like nobody else. On the other hand, why did he feel so loved and cared about in John's arms?
He has a girlfriend, come on.
He shouldn't be crying into his friend's shoulder.
He shouldn't be so desperate for his touch.
He shouldn't. This was way too wrong.

He thought about trying to talk it out with John, since he'd definitely be down for an honest conversation about their friendship, but he was realising way too well he doesn't know what exactly are the issues to speak about.

That he feels bad for hugging his best friend when he was panicking about his nightmare instead of hugging his girlfriend who's always way too busy to listen to him?

John would try to help, he always did. But what would he say?
Marco didn't want to lose him.
Not even for one single day. The issue
was somewhere else.
Maybe Marco wasn't keen on letting Sophie help him.
Maybe she's been trying, and Marco never noticed.
Maybe she deserves way much better.

He felt bad.

The entire morning, John didn't know what was going on. But so didn't Marco, he just couldn't get himself to look into John's eyes. At least not now.

John asked multiple times what was going on. He tried to hug Marco, he tried to sit next to him in silence until he'd speak up about what's wrong. It usually didn't take this long for Marco to explain the issue, but how could he do it now?
He didn't even know what exactly the issue is.

The whole morning was tense. John was slowly loosing his temper, which usually wasn't happening. It felt off to both of them.

After a few tens of minutes, the first to speak up happened to be John. He was aware of how uncharacteristic of him such a behaviour was, but here, he couldn't help it. He could just sugarcoat the words coming out of his mouth in order not to make Marco feel even worse.

"Look, I see something is off. You don't have to tell me, but if you're choosing this option, i want you to know you I am not able to help you anyhow. You know you can speak with me about anything."

Those words felt like a static noise to Marco. He took a deep breath and with absolutely no preparation, he started to brainstorm his thoughts.

"I don't know. Last night, I felt safe while seeing you. But I should feel safe in Sophie's arms. I should be with her at my best and worst. Not you. It's not that I don't appreciate you, but I'm thinking, is this even alright? That I let someone else hold me and that it calms me down? Man, she deserves better. It was just a dream and look how it ended. She'd probably break up with me if she knew. I don't even know if I can speak with you anymore. I can't risk, you know, losing Soph. Please don't think it's your fault, you're a great friend and I really don't want to lose you, but I'm in a relationship. I'm sorry, I indeed am, but this can't keep on happening."

Marco closed his eyes at the end of his speech. After the first two sentences he completely lost control of what he was saying, he was paying attention to only one thing; not meeting John's eyes.
It would feel like a dagger. He really didn't need to drown in that blue now.

John was a little surprised. Unpleasantly. What was even adding to his disappointment was the fact that as he was thinking about it, it actually made sense.

Sophie was the woman Marco loved. And John was way too aware of it.
Marco could be held by a pair of other arms, he could be laying down in someone else's bed, his tears could be wiped by someone else, but Sophie is still gonna be the one he loves, the one he looks up to, the one permanently occupying his mind.
It's her fingers he thinks about as he touches his bare body.
It's her hoodie Marco wears.
It's the floral perfume he bought so that he could remind himself of her when she wasn't next to him.

Marco was in love with Sophie.
And John's world was crashing and turning into dust.
How could he ever believe Marco would let her go because of him?

He didn't believe this was happening. Just a few hours ago, he tried to comfort Marco. Now, he needs a good comforting for himself, because he was starting to feel so painfully scared.
Scared that he loses his best friend.
Scared that he loses himself.
Scared of what's about to happen.

John usually found the right words to say.
It didn't matter what the deal was, John would try and say something about it. Now, he was standing in the middle of the room in the most hurtful silence, but he feared if Marco would say something in this moment, it would hurt even more.
It was how Marco wanted it and John could feel him slipping through his hands. He wasn't angry.
He felt betrayed.

After all the nights he picked up Marco's calls, after all the evenings he wanted to make sure Marco was gonna be safe, all their trips and laughs and all the films they've seen together, it still can't happen.

With a low and trembling voice, John took all his courage to speak up.

"I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna need some time for myself. Thanks for your stay."

He ignored the voice cracks of tears as he quickly left the room and went upstairs. No matter how hard he tried, he knew entering his own room now would feel like drowning.
Drowning in the scent Marco uses.

He knew the other man was still in his house, and that was the only reason to hold all the tears back.
He didn't want Marco to know that he felt his whole world falling apart.

On the other hand, Marco was left in the room even more confused than before. He thought he made it obvious he didn't want to lose John as a friend.

He thought about going upstairs to speak, but with every step he took to approach the upper floor, it only felt worse.

This shouldn't be happening.

Just like the events of the night before.

So why was John so sensitive? What could Marco change? If he wouldn't speak up, John wouldn't lock himself upstairs.

He would most likely start to drown himself in all the possible and impossible scenarios, but he realised he needs to leave the house for school.
Just as he stepped out of the place, still wearing John's clothes, he called Sophie.

As usual, they met just before the first class should start, and as usual, Marco was walking like a body without a soul. It's usually due to the annoying lack of sleep, but as he walked through the hall towards Sophie, he thought about John. As she smiled at him, he thought about John. As she hugged him, he thought about John. And he hated himself for this, because why can't he actually feel like loving the girl he loves?

He wanted to call John a few times. He wanted to go to visit him after classes. He finally understood why John always wanted to 'talk it out' after every minor argument, and for the first time in his life, he found himself in John's place. Now, it was Marco who wanted to talk it out. He wanted to apologise. He wanted his friendship with John to keep on happening, because in the end, it was the most precious thing he had.

He thought about it. His mind was returning to John's place, to the genuine care in those blue eyes, to the way John held him close. And he wanted it all again.
Even when it disgusted him since he should surely want to hug his girlfriend, he couldn't resist the need of John holding him again. To feel these arms wrapping around his body. To hear these lips whisper into his ear. He wanted it all.

And he hated himself for it so much.

But he was just unsure.

It felt wrong, but it was real. And Marco knew way too well there is just one way of finding the answer out.

It is not wrong to try to fix a friendship, right?