Spices (FIRST DRAFT) ~ An Alejandro and Alfred Story

𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓮

A/N: SO sorry this chapter took so long. I took a break to finish my school exams and then progress was slow. I'll try to be faster with the ending to the book!
______________________________________

Without looking up, I know Alejandro is impatiently approaching me, already asking, “Why are you home so late? Didn’t you say you’d be back before dark? It’s ten, Alfred.”

I shut down, and my mouth refuses to move itself. I just bring my eyes lower to my unawarely tightly clutched shirt, the buttons leaving depressions in the palm of my hand. As I stare at the red and burning circular marks, Selena tugs my pants, chirping eagerly, “Can you play cards with me? I want to learn how to play Happy Families.” I silently begin to take my shoes off, rubbing my hand too. She persists, “No one will play with me! Please?”

Slowly, I release all the pent-up exhaustion I’ve hid from Daryll. Breathing out felt like blowing smoke that was held in your lungs a little too long. Suddenly, being pressured at the front door became too much, and I tried to push past Alejandro, who shoves my shoulder right back to where I was, demanding, “No. Answer me.”

The need for breathing room grows, and Selena nags me again, tapping my leg before I walk away. Alejandro, who gives her a stern shush doesn’t push me back this time but follows me instead. He continues, “Al, why are you–” until he sees me rubbing my eyes and face and my shoulders sinking in on themselves. It was all too much. How can one man drain me to the point of irritation in my own home?

Alejandro holds his tongue a moment, allowing me to take deep breaths and stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room. “Selena,” he quickly says, “Go to bed.”

“No! But–” 

“Go. Now.” With one hand, he pushes her head toward the stairs. She made some loud and drawn-out whining noises as she slowly made her way up, but seeing as she was being ignored ran the rest of the flight in silence. 

I could sense him cautiously coming around me, and I didn’t know what I even wanted him to do. Comfort me? Continue to blame? I already withstood what I did today, so what would more matter? Pulling on my tie, I loosen it before it suffocates me completely. I raised my head, unexpectedly facing his eyes of exhausted sympathy. But it wasn’t the enervation of having to care. It was the fact of needing to muster solace time and time again because of the perpetual pain I feel. And there’s nothing else he could do.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, but his voice being the only sound in the room rings through my ears. I wasn’t okay. But how can I get someone to understand how I feel without saying it? I could never admit something like that. My body started to fail me as my face contorts to display all the emotions I failed to hide. Three words from his mouth broke me apart, and I dropped my head against his shoulder, hard. He lets out a confused noise but wraps his arms around me nonetheless.

After a few minutes, I steady my voice and whisper back, “I’m tired.” It was the closest thing to the truth. Alejandro presses his lips against my head and says back, “Mentally or physically?” I murmur incoherently in response.

He tries to get me to open up as much as possible, making me tea, giving me warm food, and sitting next to me in silence– whatever he could to make me tell him what happened and break free from my paralyzed state of shock and anguish, banging at a glass to be let out. Still, I stay quiet. Though there are many words circulating my mind, there’s nothing I have to say to Alejandro. I’ll just be complaining again, and as much as I know he wants to help, I can’t stand having to burden him with the reality of being with Daryll.

I kept telling myself that night that I’ve grown too soft. New Orleans must have changed me. Alejandro must have changed me. I’ve experienced this abuse and torment for years now– my whole life– yet it has never hurt so deeply as it does now. It’s like I’m more aware of it happening, and trying to do something twenty-eight years later will spark change.