f*ck around and find out / Julien Baker

Chap. 35: The Gore of our Hearts

I whip open the door as I go into the Phoenix; I don't see Alice anywhere.

I really need to talk to her. 

Maybe she is in the office. 

My heart hurts and my mind races over what just happened with Lucy, but I know what I need to do right now is talk to Alice. 

Expecially since now I know she was right. 

I walk up to the office door and knock. 

"Alice, are you in here?" I ask through the door. 

It stays silent for a moment, then the door opens halfway. Alice stands there, she looks distressed. Her eyes are red so I can tell that she's been crying. 

"Are you okay?" I ask, forgetting about what I need to say the moment I see that Alice is upset. 

She shakes her head back and forth slowly and turns around, putting her hands on the top of her head. She walks further into the office; I follow and close the door. 

I scrunch my eyebrows, feeling uncomfortable in my concern for Alice. I approach her, then reach my hand out to the side of her arm. 

"Alice, talk to me," I say.

She shrugs off my grasp, takes a second, then speaks. 

"I was looking for you and I heard what Lucy said," Alice says, folding her arms over her chest and turning to me. 

I pause, shocked. Oh, fuck.

"I heard her say that she has feelings for you and she wants to be with you," Alice says, her face is stoic and cold. Her glare cuts like a knife. 

"Yeah, she did say that," I say, letting out a unsteady breath. 

Alice throws her hands in the air, "So you lied?!"

Her voice cracks as she speaks, her defense crumbling. 

"No! I didn't know, I swear, Alice," I say. 

She rolls her eyes.

"How could you have not known?! I knew it, even Levi saw it!" she says, tears fill her eyes as they dart frantically over my face.

"Alice! I promise, I didn't see it. I wish I had," I say, my voice wavering as well. I feel so terrible about our last conversation, I should have listened to Alice better.

I could have avoided all of this if I just saw it.

"Well, either way, it doesn't matter. I hope you are very happy with her..." Alice says, spinning away from me. 

I cut her off, "What! No!"

I put my hand on her shoulder, but she continues to look away. 

"Alice, I said no to Lucy," I say. 

She pauses, tilting her head up slightly.  

"Lucy has always just been a friend to me," I say. 

Alice sighs, holding her arms tight to her body. I can feel from my hand on her shoulder than she is shaking slightly in her distress. I hate that I've made her so upset.

"And what am I to you? Another friend?" Alice says, finally meeting my eyes. I see all this pain in her that she usually masks so well. 

"No, of course not," I say.

Alice rolls her eyes as a tear falls down her face.

"You mean so much to me, I care about you, I don't want to hurt you," I stammer out words, failing to say what I mean. Everything I want to say to her comes out weak and mangled. My well rehearsed speech crumbles into desperate mumblings.