He told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen
He told me he loved everything about me
My eyes could light up a room
My smile could light up a city
We talked about everywhere we were going to go together
All the places we would one day visit
We talked about a family and what we wanted for each other in the future
We watched the sun rise and set together
We couldn't stay away from each other...
'I've made a mistake'
My heart had sank just reading it, my eyes burned like hell as tears threatened to break through.
I couldn't react in the moment .
I placed my phone down ever so gently on the bed, another thing he loved about me. How gentle I was, even when I was angry. I was never angry with him, he made me feel so safe and secure. He had never been anything but good to me and the last few weeks we had spent together just us had been the happiest of my life. The feeling I had in my heart, going home with him after the worst shift of my life and knowing it really was just me and him, it was something else.
Every problem, I went to him. Any exciting news, I went to him. He told me everything and I did the same back. We worked so well. Which is why I found what had just happened so hard to comprehend. It came from nowhere.
We had tried our best to keep it just between us. What people don't know about they can't ruin, or so we thought. People had caught on, if it wasn't us leaving work together, or the ever so obvious love bites on my neck where a sweet goodnight kiss had become something more blissful, people caught on and people did in fact ruin it.
We had told each other originally we didn't want a relationship but I think things had changed drastically between us. No one that belongs in this universe could deny the chemistry and we couldn't deny the simple feelings that had fought so hard to be recognised.
We simply enjoyed each other's company. One of my favourite memories of him was the night we went to watch the sunrise. We had stopped in a dimly lit, slightly eerie petrol station in the middle of nowhere. Inside a small man was sat behind a desk, all in black with his hood up. All we needed was a charger for the car as we both were running on 1% physically, mentally and literally. The shop clerk told us that he would give us a discount on the cable for the 'pretty lady'. I laughed and thanked him as he told the man how we were married and lived together in Bath of all places, and how we were heading home to our 2 children and our dog.
When we had eventually left the shop and returned to the comfort of his car we looked at each other and laughed, laughed to the point we were questioning whether we would wake up with rock hard abs. He was so good at that, lifting the mood. We were exhausted yet he still went the extra mile to put a smile on my face.
That night, as we watched the sunrise he held me for hours in the blistering rain on a small bench right by the sea. I was calm. He played with my hair as I fell asleep with my head in his lap, I felt safe, I was happy.
And now i'm here. I walked into my room today and saw the green hoodie I wore that night.
But now there it was folded up and placed so neatly in the pile of freshly washed clothes. My soul left my body. One of the only things I had left of him was that hoodie that still ever so faintly was draped in traces of his scent and now it was gone. All that remained were the small faded marks that plastered my collarbone and chest. But once they were gone so would every trace of me and him. I wasn't ready for that.
The most embarrassing part was I still had no idea what was going on. I begged and pleaded for him to give us a second chance and I fought for him to realise it wasn't a mistake but it was no use.
I still had no idea how to respond to what he had told me originally, I was in a pure state of shock and confusion. I was not in the slightest part ready to say goodbye to him.
A few days later again I was stood in boots. I was collecting a few basic things like a new lipgloss and a new mascara. I was browsing the perfumes as mine was running out and it was the one that he loved when I stumbled across a young couple. I could smell him. I tried to distract myself when the strangers conversation drew me in
'Which one do you use again' she asked him without looking up, he was looking down at her just admiring her as her eyes scanned the range of fragrances. 'I think i'm wearing Y'. My throat closed making it hard to swallow and there was that burning in my eyes and nose again. That was his scent.
I pulled myself together and continued growing for another few minutes. Once the couple had left and I was alone again in the aisle a young woman came over to ask if I needed any help. I hesitated for a moment before I asked if I could grab some testers. Of course she agreed and asked me what I was interested in.
'Y' she gave me a funny look before smiling and unlocking the cabinet. 'Any special occasion' She asked as she removed the bottle from the case. I hadn't planned this far ahead.
'I'm just picking something up for my... boyfriend' Those aren't the words I had intended to leave my lips but that's what came out. She smiled before asking me the generic questions like 'how long have you been together', 'how did you meet' all that kind of stuff. I was so close to breaking down.
I left with the tester and kept it on me all day.
I slept with it in my pillow case so I could trick myself into thinking he was right there with me but it wasn't the same. There was no presence of him in the bed, it was so much lighter without him and there were not extra pillows there.
Everything about him was intoxicating, when i kissed him I tasted the tobacco on his lips, he put me onto sterling duals and he put me right back off them, no one ever held me like he did and the way he rested his chin on my head and his hand below my waist when he was undoubtedly kissing me me good night every night without fail after dropping me home from work or the way we would kiss in his car to arctic monkeys as the dread of him inevitably taking me home became a blur in the back of my mind
I still don't think i've come to terms with the fact there is no chance of us giving it another go
but I hope I will soon. I hope the confusion will pass and the acceptance will swarm me.
On a real had we had the universe on our side, had we been closer in age or had we had more time I believe so strongly that we had and could've had something so amazing.
We did the best we could with who we were and what we had. We were two damaged people trying to save each other. Part of me is so happy he let me go because I know in myself I would never have walked away. Yet here we are, strangers yet again.
I hope so bad that he is okay and he finds someone who makes him truly happy. He deserves it more than anything in the world. Part of me also hopes that one day he will regret the fact he didn't give his all in the same way I did to try and save us. Until then I pray that our paths cross even once more and we find space in our hearts and in the moment to try one last time. To fight for us.
In another time maybe
