Light Me Up [H.S]

39

There was no peace to be found in that stupid hotel bed. I tossed and turned, desperate to just close my eyes and fall asleep. But when I closed my eyes I saw mom's face, heard her last breath and couldn't escape the sadness at the pit of my stomach. On top of that I went to bed wearing Harry's t-shirt and hoodie, his scent so strong that it made me miss him in a way I hadn't felt yet. An ache, like a soreness after a cut. If things had been different, I would have been lying next to him, cuddled into his arms, safe and warm. I wouldn't be alone.

Like an answer to an unspoken prayer, my phone buzzed. I unlocked it and for the first time since the day in the penthouse it wasn't Morgan's name as the top notification. It said 'Harry'. Everyone, who has ever been broken up with, knows the stubbornness that comes after. I had looked for his name among my notifications so many times, only to make a deal with myself that if he actually texted me, I would leave him on read. In nine out of ten cases, I would keep my word to myself and follow through. 

But this was Harry. 

So with a slightly shaking finger, I opened his message.

'Are you awake?' 

I contemplated my answer for a moment. My usual reply to a message like that would be "no" and we would laugh at it. 

'Yes.' I settled for. 

Three dots appeared as he texted back. It took forever before his words finally popped up. 

'I was 99% sure you would write "no". ' 

I caught myself chuckling at his text. "Stop it, Peyton goddammit," I mumbled at myself. Was it going to be this easy for him to just slither his way back into my life? 

'I almost did.' I texted back. 

'I figured as much. You should be sleeping. You're exhausted.' In my head I could hear him say the words, his deep, slightly drawled voice, dragging out the syllables laced with his beautiful English accent. 

How was I supposed to explain to him that I couldn't sleep when he wasn't there, without telling him that I couldn't sleep without him? It was an unsolvable Chinese maze hidden in Pandora's box.

'It's been a day.' I settled for, when in reality it had been a week of heartbreak, grief and insomnia.

'I miss you.' 

Three words that brought an array of feelings along with them. I had finally stopped crying, but once again tears stung my eyes. It made me sad, furious and confused all at once. I threw my phone down to the end of the bed and covered my face with my pillow, yelling loudly into it. Then I sat up in bed, grabbed my phone and dialled his number. There was hardly a signal on the other end before he answered. 

"Peyton..." 

I took a deep breath. "Stop. Just stop, Harry. You can't have it both ways. You told me you couldn't be what I needed, even though you are exactly what I need, you big idiot. I need you all the time. I don't sleep, I don't eat and I don't laugh without you. My mom withered away in front of my eyes this past week, but every night I cried because I missed you. I missed your stupid, fucking face and your arms. How fucked up is that? How can I feel that way, when you very obviously don't. You pushed me right out of your life like an old book shoved to the back of the shelf, gathering dust and left unread. It's unbearable that not even my mom's death can distract me from how fucking hard you broke my heart." I paused, out of breath, my throat raw from crying while raising my voice at him.