Vanilla Cocoa

Chapter 10

I paced back and forth across my tiny kitchen, trying to push down my urge to drink. It was Friday night, and here I was, losing my mind at home. My thoughts kept circling around that bastard of a reaper who had stood me up and my crushing guilt over potentially ruining someone so pure and innocent as Nasos. I deserved to suffer, but Nasos didn't. What I was doing with him was wrong. Nothing good would ever come from someone like me messing around with someone like him.

My phone chimed, and I whipped it out, desperate for a distraction. It was Nasos.

"Can I come over tonight?"

I sank to the floor and rested my forehead against my knees. Nasos deserved better than me. I didn't deserve his warmth.

Another chime. I forced myself to look at my phone.

"I really don't want to be alone tonight."

I sighed. "Let me know when you get here."

"I'm already outside."

I jumped to my feet and rushed to open the door. Sure enough, Nasos was standing there, wiping tears from his eyes.

"How long were you out there?!" I asked, pulling him inside.

"Not long. I kind of just walked over here without thinking."

I sat him down at my kitchen table and was surprised when he pulled me down into a kiss. All of my ugly thoughts welled up within me, screaming at me to stop this before I inevitably hurt Nasos, but his grip on my hand was so strong, his kiss so desperate. Nothing good could possibly come from this, but...

I sat in his lap, straddling him and deepening the kiss. He let go of my hand to wrap his arms around my waist, blocking any hope I might have still had of escaping this before we both got lost in this bitterness we shared. I could taste the salt of his tears on his lips even as his hands began to travel beneath my clothes. I broke the kiss, gasping when he squeezed my ass.

"Wait, wait, wait!" I panted, still just in control enough to register how wrong this all was.

He jerked his hands off of me as if he'd been burned. "Fuck, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have – I didn't mean to – I mean, I wasn't even thinking-"

I placed a hand on his mouth while I tried to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. "Look, I'm not mad, I just haven't, um, you know?" At his look of utter confusion, I continued, "I wasn't exactly planning on having sex tonight, so I didn't prep."

"Prep?" he asked as soon as I moved my hand away.

My jaw dropped. "Have you never done anal before?"

His face turned a beautiful shade of pink. "I've never done it with a guy like that. We usually just, you know..."

I couldn't help but laugh, but at his hurt look I quickly tried to explain myself. "Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, honest! It's just, we literally just said earlier this week we need to stop making assumptions about each other, and here we are, a pair of complete idiots."

He managed a laugh now too, but still tried to hide his face behind his hands. "We really are idiots, aren't we?"

I gently grabbed his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face so I could place a tender kiss on his forehead. "Maybe we should try having an honest conversation about what we both want right now? I've never done that with any of the guys I've hooked up with, so that's probably a good place to start."

He nodded, still blushing. "I'd like to touch you, if that's okay?"

It was my turn to blush at how cutely he was asking. "I mean, yeah, but not on my kitchen table, okay? I don't want to have to sanitize it tomorrow."

"Um, then... where?"

My apartment was sparsely furnished in the extreme since furniture was so expensive, so I really just had this tiny table set in the main living area. "I figured we could do it on the bed like normal people, if you're comfortable with that?"

He nodded, still obviously embarrassed about the whole situation. "Okay."

I awkwardly got off of him, then took his hand to lead him to my bedroom. It was such a surreal experience having a man in my bedroom for the first time since I'd moved out of my parents' house. Everything about Nasos was proving to be new and foreign to me.

We pulled off each other's clothes with a level of gentleness and care that I'd never once experienced before with any other guy. Our kisses were more tender, our touches so much softer. If I didn't know better, I might even have called it loving, but I knew better than to expect anyone to actually love someone like me.

***

Sunlight filtered through my curtains, rousing me from my sleep. I felt unusually warm this morning, and when I opened my eyes, I realized why. Nasos was holding me to his bare chest, one arm draped loosely over my waist, the other acting as a cushion for my head. He offered a soft smile once he realized I was awake.

"Good morning," he murmured, sending chills down my spine.

Last night snapped back into sharp clarity in my mind, and I immediately hid my face in his chest to hide my blush. It wasn't like anything we'd done together last night was new for me, but somehow the fact that it hadn't led up to what I'd come to consider "real sex" made it so much more embarrassing.

"Did I do too much? Are you feeling okay?"

I shook my head, still too embarrassed to meet his eyes. "I'm fine, just... I feel like a goddamn teenager."

He snorted, rubbing my back. "You certainly have the stamina of a teenager."

I wiggled out of his grasp and hit him in the face with my pillow. "I'm taking a shower! Don't you dare look!"

I could hear his muffled laughter through the pillow, but he did as asked and didn't even try to peek as I escaped from the bedroom. I shut myself in the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as it would go, not even waiting for it to get up to temp before jumping in. I scrubbed and scrubbed at every inch of my skin until I was bright red all over and stinging from the too hot water.

I stopped, hands bracing myself against the shower wall as the scalding water rolled over me. "I don't deserve to be happy!" I whispered, my voice lost beneath the sound of running water. "I have to end this before..."

I swallowed hard, turned the water off, and began to towel myself dry. Nasos didn't deserve to be brought down to my level, but he didn't deserve to face his demons alone either. What could I even do now that he was already in so deep? It was all just moving too fast, it all felt too good and pure. This would end just as miserably as every relationship I'd ever had, but maybe I could save Nasos first. I hoped I could at least save him first.