#4 Little Light Of Mine: A Home For Miriam

Two Weeks Later

Carrie raced a tired hand through her blonde hair as she slowly brought herself into her living room. Gosh, I feel sick. Did I call the hospital and tell them that I wouldn’t be coming in today? Yes, yes I did . . . good. She thought. She remembered; the soft vocals of her co-worker, Kimberly. Through her exhaustion she remembered the gentleness, yet concern within the woman’s tone.”Take care of yourself Carrie, please.”She had said. Today was yet another repeat offender; Carrie had been away from work for the past five days. Nausea struck, causing her to sit quickly. Her hand fled to her mouth as she took a deep breath. Her symptoms didn’t push her to lie down, they struck her with an anxiety that caused her to sit upright. Not only was she feeling sick, but the event that Mama had damned so much was late. Her nursing career had caused her to cross paths with one too many pregnant women to leave Carrie blind to what she was facing. Her gaze caught the fading rug before the couch and cries swam towards her throat.

"Then came another curse, and this was the curse of childbearing!”

 “Shut up Mama!”She gasped with a shake of her head. The part of her that sensed that she was pregnant knew that carrying a child and birth stood far from her mother’s precious words of wisdom. She also knew that one’s body could play tricks on them when it came to the situation. It wouldn’t hurt to grab a test to be sure. She thought. She went to the door, grabbing her coat and taking the keys to the old mini-van into her hand on the way. The day was mildly cold, bearing a cloudless sky and a beaming sun. Carrie unlocked the door to the driver’s seat and slid in. She turned the old keys beside the car’s radio but let her hands stop at the wheel. She felt one tear fall, then another, and then, after bringing her head to rest against her hands, she fell fully into tears.

                             ***

Carrie brought her eyes to the row of tests, not daring to pick one up, not yet. She gave her pharmacy basket a squeeze as the chatter of pharmacy life filed about behind her, lost in a place of it’s own.”Carrie?”A voice that she could place too well sung from the chatter. She half-turned to find Sue at the head of the aisle, Genesis at her side and free hand armed with shopping basket. Carrie’s niece was invested in a row of lollipops that were standing nearby, her sister on the other hand, was facing Carrie with a worried frown.”Oh, hey Sue.”Carrie said, turning to her with a forced smile.”Hey.”Sue replied. Carrie considered presenting Sue with the truth of her visit, but her fear found the other road easier.”I was just here to pick up some supplies for work-“She began. Sue came forward, making Carrie pause, her worried gaze unflinching. She stopped by Carrie’s side, allowing Genesis to leave her grip and throw her arms around her aunt’s waist. Carrie couldn’t help but pass her niece a bittersweet smile.”Hey Gennie-Girl.”She said, stroking her hair. Sue’s eyes went from the row of tests and then back to Carrie again.”You know Carrie, I think they’re fully stocked on pregnancy tests down at the hospital.”She said.”You wanna tell me what’s really going on?”I was about to.”Carrie replied defensively.”No you weren’t.”Sue said.”I’m far from stupid Carrie, I know what I’m seeing.”Carrie couldn’t look at her now; part of her wanted her sister to take her daughter and leave, while the other half wanted her to remain standing there so that she could fall into her arms and cry.”Carrie . . . do you think that you’re pregnant?”Sue asked. The tests flew from the shelf and sped to the floor. Genesis sunk to her knees first in an act of childish curiosity, plucking one up.”What are these mommy?”She asked, inquisitively holding her prize up towards Sue. Her mother plucked the object from her daughter’s hand quickly.”When you’re older Sweetie.”She told her. Carrie was on her knees next, brushing tears away with her elbow as she began to gather the displaced tests, her basket placed carefully down beside her. Sue set her own basket down and joined her with a free hand.”Carrie, I’m no stranger I’m your sister.”She assured her.”I’m not going to bite you for the truth.”Finally, Carrie brought her eyes to her sister’s in a relenting fashion.”Yes.”She said. Her sister was silent; Carrie knew that she was searching for the right words. After Carrie had placed a test within her basket and she and Sue had returned the discarded ones to the shelf, she was brought into a hug.”I know that this is far from easy for you. But Carrie, look what you’ve helped me through and look how you are with Gennie.”Sue encouraged her.”There isn’t anything in me that doesn’t believe that you will be a great mother.”All Carrie could do was offer Sue a grateful squeeze, bury her face within her sister’s shoulder, and lose herself to tears.

                             ***

Positive; the test was positive.

Tears fell upon the tell-tale pink lines as Carrie took in the now undeniable truth. What will Dan say? She thought. What if he suddenly transforms into Mama’s vision of men? She could only push herself to hope for the best. If Dan dropped the idea of fatherhood, that was on him. Carrie herself, having looked into the eyes of a mother who viewed her existence as a mishap, saw every reason to try to build a life where a child knew nothing but acceptance. She couldn’t stop the world’s mistakes or her own, but she would push through to fight for them. The phone rang from the kitchen, raising Carrie’s head. Carrie’s pulse rose; if it was Dan, she wasn’t sure that she was ready to talk to him and if it was Sue, she might find herself crying fully into the phone. I can stand crying. Carrie decided, placing the test on the counter. Sue; she prayed, hoped that it would be her sister.”Hello?”She asked.”Carrie?”The voice sent chills through her; it was Dan.”Hey Dan.”She replied.”Carrie, I called because I sensed that something wasn’t right.”He said. Now I suffer the repercussions of having a boyfriend with psychic abilities. Carrie thought with a silent groan.”Mind telling me what that something is?”He ventured. Carrie held back, leaving Dan to silence.

“Dirty touching . . . they’ll leave when they’re through!”

“Carrie, please, what’s wrong?”He asked. Holding tight to a fearful nerve, Carrie hung up, tears falling as she stared at the phone.

                                 ***

A light knocking brought Carrie to her door. Dan was on her doorstep; his eyes somber.”Carrie I promise that nothing you have to tell me will spur a harsh word.”He said. You say that but you don’t know what I’m hiding. Carrie thought, her hands gently massaging her stomach as she lead him inside.”Why don’t you use the restroom while you’re here?”She suggested as she sat on the living room couch.”But I don’t-“He began.”It’ll be easier than waiting until you get back to Bishop’s.”Carrie cut in, waving him away with one hand and dropping her face to the other. She heard him leave, confusion flowing about him. Each moment of silence that ran by made the tears fall faster. Already, she could hear Mama’s voice in her head, thick with monstrous authority;”He’ll drop you Little Girl. By Christ’s blood, God will bring an end to this act of sin!”She was rocking herself now, her arms tight around her body.”Carrie?”The tone held no anger, only question. Dan was presenting the test to her, his gaze level. She didn’t reply, she just eyed him with a tearful silence.”You didn’t send me up there to use your bathroom, you sent me up there to find-to find this, didn’t you?”He asked. Carrie nodded and Dan released a rough breath.”Carrie why weren’t you upfront with me?”He asked.”Dan, think who you’re posing the question to. My Mama condemned acts of passion and even childbirth. I was a curse to her; so do you think finding out was easy for me?”Carrie wept.”No Carrie-“He began.”She labeled all men as disloyal. I was set to think the worst of your reaction once you found out!”She continued.”So no; I didn’t consider honesty an option!”The living room coffee table was inches from the floor now, the couch-side lamp abuzz with flickers.”Carrie, Carrie stop.”Dan urged her. Carrie flung out a hand, bringing him into mid-air, causing him to drop the test. Around him, photographs fell from the walls, the bulb on the lamp burst, and the windows flew open.”CARRIE, STOP!”He cried. Carrie shook her head, sending her front door flying open.”Get out.”She wept.”Carrie, please-“Dan began.”GET OUT!”Carrie screamed, sending him through the door. She shut it; her hand remained raised, shaking. The table fell with a crash, the windows froze, and the air hung with a devastating quiet.”Get out.”She murmured shakily, tears falling.