HER

She loved everything electronic..
Mainly relationships, she enjoyed talking to the other person.. and seeing them.. from a distance of course, I think it was because she never wanted to be physically close to them, the thought of someone truly loving and caring for her genuinely scared her and she also didn't believe it was possible, whenever someone was nice to her or showed that they cared for her weather it was genuine or not she felt knots in her stomach, sick almost like she wanted to vomit over someone ACTUALLY genuinely caring for such a messed up girl.
She loved music as well, how it painted a picture better than any movie she ever saw.. how one song or singer can make her feel like a totally completely different person..

Maybe she was a sex icon.. or maybe she lived in Italy and was a fashionista with a nicotine habit. It changed every time.
I remember when she first developed a new emotion.. this emotion is called ✨Numbness✨ and boy is it a soul sucking monster, 
Ever since she was first touched at 13 she couldn't help but feel she existed mainly to fulfill the needs and pleasures of others, and then be discarded like last weeks newspaper..

Having them treat her how they wanted, or maybe they cared a little and would ask 'what would you like baby?' or 'how would you like it baby' but that never stopped them from discarding her and her feelings the next day...

She believed it was because of her self worth.. or post nut clarity. But either way, she never spoke up for herself, or asked the questions that needed to be asked,
Purposefully putting herself In bad situations, or questionable ones where her moral compass was obviously lost or gone for the night.

She felt powerful being in control of men and their feelings and emotions.. dominating them online as if it would change the events that transpired in her life to shape her into a child in an adults body..
she thought that if SHE made the choices bad or good for herself than it was perfectly okay vs someone else making the decisions for her weather they were for her or against her will.

She hated her body, always wore hoodies and sweats, she wanted to dress more provocative but she felt like a whale 24/7 365. Except when she went all day without eating then woke up the next morning only to be blessed with what they call ✨morning skinny✨

No one ever took her seriously, except this one time when she was 14 and took 7,000mg of Tylenol one day, and then slept for 8 hours and woke up feeling the most depressed she's ever felt in her life.
Then She went in patient for 2 weeks..

When she was inpatient she felt free? Everything had a meaning, every time had an activity weather she liked the activity or not, she met people and when she talked to them it felt like she was on vacation, not a care in the world..
there was this one girl in there 15, suffering from Anorexia nervosa and she was an artist, she gave her her number and then after she took the piece of paper out of her hand she spent 2 hours in the special ✨quiet room✨, because apparently you're not supposed to exchange real info with strangers in the loony bin with you.

Once she was put in the quiet room she started thinking of how when she would be released from inpatient this every online place she went on she would use an alias as she never felt like her true self.
She lost phone privileges that night, not that she was looking forward to them anyway, the only person who called was her mom, she always felt her mom was more proud of her brother rather than her, after all he was 6 years older, had a child and a job..
And her? Well she's inpatient from taking 7,000mg of Rapid Release Tylenol and then woke up and apparently didn't wanna live anymore,

She met with the first doctor in patient, he was cocky, arrogant.. always asked her why she 'wanted to kill herself' she told him over and over all she did was do that because she wanted to feel something,
Because well.. when Nike entered her life at 13 she was pure.. and innocent and happy, and now at 14, Nike was in jail for possession of drugs and firearms and she was dirty, and taking an absurd asking of Tylenol just to feel something.. she had access to oxycodone but she was too scared it would in fact end her life. And she wanted to suffer more; hence going for the Tylenol instead..

12 years later and she's covered in tattoos, still chasing that high she got from when she cut her thighs and wrist for the first time, that release that can't even be described other than the fact it felt like someone was opening her body and letting out all the negative toxic emotions and feelings only to close it back up, have it bottle up dying for a release again.
She is 9 years free of cutting, as for other ways of self harming, well.. everyone has vices... right?