What Led Me To You

Still Summer

(Spring 2023)

I was dating a guy named Joshua Larsen or as everyone called him "Josh". Our relationship was good most of the time, he was easy going and supported me when I needed him, bought me flowers on occasion and sent me coffee in the mornings. What more can a girl need? He never failed to tell me I looked beautiful and I was the first girl he looked for in every room. The validation he gave me was something that made me feel so wanted, like someone was taking care of me without me having to ask for it. Something I never understood about myself was why my heart loved so deeply or how my heart needed to feel loved just as deep, feeling if what I have provided for myself wasn't enough. How I could fall swifty in awe with someone that I forget all my self worth just to keep them around to grasp that little smudge of reassurance. I always wished I could have enough self respect to know my worth, even if they were a good guy. Sometimes simply being good isn't enough. You have to act upon that goodness and put in effort for each other, which is something I had always let slip away and in the end I was the only one unhappy. Being the person that lets everyone walk all over them just to make sure the other person is content had such a drag on my life and I was always told it was a gift but most of the time felt like a curse. Reminding me of my relationship with Josh. He was the good guy, the one everyone liked. He had so many friends and anyone would feel lucky to be with him. He radiated soft energy, just being around him everything felt so positive. I don't think there was a single person who he didn't get along with. He was impossible not to love, I knew that first hand. To everyone him and I were inseparable, and I found myself deeply believing it too. We had so many good moments together from cracking non stop sarcastic jokes, or sitting at each other's houses while the other person got ready, cruising together at night blasting our favorite songs, or skipping as we walked out of gas stations. Whenever things were getting hard I always whispered to myself "think of the good moments, think of the good moments". There was not a single thing we didn't do together. I thought he was the best that would ever come around. The once in a lifetime kind of love, to the point. I didn't know where I would end up if I didn't have him, I no longer need to reach for the stars because I had already gotten mine.
All of his friends were intimidated by him with his dark brown hair, hazel eyes, perfectly proportioned lips, the structure of his face made him look like he was a greek god. The kind of guy you see at the airport and quietly hope he's on your flight with the seat next to yours.

Our relationship was stuck in the distance, I lived in Arizona with my sister Abbie, working as her live in nanny for her two sons Jack
and Mason while she recovered from her long lasting divorce. Meanwhile Josh lived in California with his dad figuring out what he wanted to do for now. He was only 18 years of age and wanted to just live the young life. I didn't understand his way of thinking, but I loved him so much I didn't question him. I wondered if that's the reason I never felt secure, I had this whole life planned for myself and he just seemed still in water partying with his friends every weekend. There was not a more annoying feeling than sitting in Arizona working almost everyday while he was in California playing beer pong. Did that make me jealous and controlling? Or just upset that I was trying to build something for us and he didn't seem to prioritize it the way I did. However, the distance wasn't always bad. We face timed daily, texted each other and made visitation trips once every month. Truthfully, it was never the same as being in the same state. We began to tell ourselves "when it's love you make anything work." Sounds cliche, regardless a big part of me believed it... for a while.

I spent most my days off reading and writing, here in Arizona my life was very still. Every couple days I'd FaceTime my friends Blair and Addison. Blair got married a few months ago and Addison worked 6 days a week, they were constantly busy. I admired that they actually had things to do all the time and looked forward to hearing about everything, I had been wanting to take the next step with Josh, it didn't have to be marriage like Blair, she got married much younger than the average age. But at least moving to the same state or start a savings account to hopefully get married in a couple years time. My parents were paying for the fairytale wedding I had always dreamed of since I learned what a wedding was neither was his. I wondered if it was too much of me to want something so real, I was just so In love. I found myself envisioning our life together or my life with someone. I just wanted somebody to want me the way I wanted them, but that was my own fault. I had to many dreams that most of them would just stay a dream, my mother had always told me to stop living in a fairytale and to live in reality, I never listened because I was going to make my reality a fairytale. Josh thought I was ridiculous, but I didn't let that stop me from dreaming... most of the time.