I keep asking myself why I am acting so crazy. I'm doing reckless things acting possessive and feeling so weak and pathetic. I've embarrassed myself so many times that I've lost count. Im feeling insecure, needy, unsafe, eratic, and just messed up overall. It is safe to say that I am not normally like this. I am normally exactly the opposite. I'm usually at peace and fiercly independent. So the question is, what brought this on? Why is a side of me that I never even knew existed, coming out? And how can I get rid of this side of me?
Should I try to understand it? Should I try to lay it out in writing? Should I be more self-aware? There are a lot of possible reasons why I am experiencing this. But, if I had to guess, I would imagine that my crazy in this form is a sort of coping mechanism from the trauma I am suffering from my failing marriage.
I am miserable with my husband and have been for a long time. So, I began to have strong feelings for someone else. These strong feelings felt so good, and they still do. I would constantly daydream of this person. Perhaps I was addicted to the comfort from the escape. I love to Talk to him. Perhaps I love to talk to him too much. Talking to him is a welcome escape from my horrible situation. The problem, though, is that I am so physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained and exhausted that I am barely keeping my sanity. My existence as it stands wallows in misery. So out of survival I latch on to people and things that make me happy and make me feel good. I feel free when I talk to him if only for a moment. So, of course, that's why I'm being so clingy and obsessive. He will probably never want to talk to me again, and I can't say that I blame him. I hope he forgets about my bad behavior. I am praying for strength and renewal of my depleted energy.
