Shattered Soul (Shattered Series 1)

#3

Trigger Warning: Mentions of mental health struggles and panic attacks and depictions of self-harm or suicidal ideation.

Self-isolation feels like a quiet echo in an empty room, where the only sounds are the whispers of my own thoughts and fears.

One moment, I was trying to rebuild, to step into the light again, and the next, I was enveloped in the comforting silence again.

Dalawang linggo na simula ng insidenteng 'yon, no'ng araw na 'yon ay tumawag sa akin ang psychiatrist ko, but I just reasoned out at isang linggo ko na ring tinatago ang sarili sa madilim na kwarto. Ni hindi ko binubuksan ang kurtina. na para bang ito lang ang nag-iisang lugar na ligtas ako. I had become a ghost in my own home, isolating myself from the world.

I like it more when I'm alone... nothing could hurt me, no one could.

"Zahra!"

Napapikit ako ng mariin nang marinig ang boses sa baba.

Alam ko agad na si Mia 'yon.

My phone buzzed constantly with messages from Mia, but I couldn't bring myself to reply. I knew she was worried, but I couldn't bear to drag her into my darkness. But then here she goes again.

Inihiga ko ang sarili sa kama, nakatagilid at nakatalikod sa pinto ng kwarto.

Rinig ko ang marahas na pagbukas ng pinto ngunit 'di nag atubiling lumingon.

"My god Zahra, kanina pa kita tinatawagan at tintext.... Hindi ka nagrereply sobrang alalang-alala na ako sa'yo. Akala ko kung napano ka na, ano bang nangyari ha?" Dere-deretso niyang saad.

"I'm okay." Tanging nasagot ko.

I heard her footsteps and bigla nalang umuga ang kama, then a hand caressed me on my shoulder.

"May nangyari ba no'ng pumunta ka sa bahay niyo?" She asked softly.

Umiling ako, pilit na itinatago ang panginginig ng boses ko. "I said.... I'm fine."

A moment of silence enveloped the room, and I could feel Mia's concern wrapping around me like a blanket.

She sighed, a sound heavy with worry.
"Hindi ka na naman kumakain? Tingnan mo 'yang katawan mo, hindi ka na nasisinagan ng araw.... Ang putla-putla mo na."

"Umalis ka na. May trabaho ka pa."

"Nag day-off ako," she replied firmly.

I turned my head slightly, finally meeting her. Puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya.

"Hindi kita pweding hayaan dito. I know you are not okay..... kilala kita. Hindi mo ikukulong ang sarili mo rito kung talagang maayos ka."

I struggled to sit up, my body stiff and aching from days of inactivity. The room seemed to spin, and I had to take a moment to steady myself.

"Hindi mo kailangang gawin 'to Mia. I can handle myself." Pagod ko naman saad.

Mia's eyes narrowed, her concern turning into frustration. "Can handle yourself? Tingnan mo nga yang sarili mo, Zahra. Did you really handle yourself well?"

I glanced down at my frail form, the clothes hanging loosely on my frame, the pallor of my skin. She was right, of course. I hadn't been handling anything well. I had been merely surviving, not living.

"It's okay to need help," she whispered, her voice soothing. "It's okay to lean on someone else. I promised to your mother, to Tita Vanessa, na aalagaan kita."

I looked at her, searching her eyes for any sign of hesitation, but all I found was unwavering determination.
"Pero hindi mo na kailangang gawin 'to," I said, my voice trembling. "You've done enough for me, you've done more than the help that I needed. Tama na, you have your life Mia, at hindi pweding palagi na lang sa akin umiikot ang mundo mo."