Shattered Soul (Shattered Series 1)

Simula

I sat in the familiar, soft leather chair, gripping the armrests as if they were my only lifeline. The office of Dr. Elena Cruz was a sanctuary of calm, decorated with soft pastels and serene landscapes. Yet today, even the soothing environment couldn't ease the storm raging inside me.

Dr. Cruz, a middle-aged woman with kind eyes and a gentle demeanor, sat opposite me, her notepad resting on her lap. She watched me carefully, waiting for me to speak. The silence between us was thick, heavy with unspoken words and unacknowledged pain.

"Kumusta ka, Zahra?" She finally asked, her voice soft but probing.

I stared at the painting on the wall behind her—a vibrant, emotional piece that seemed to mock my current state. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing thoughts.

"Empty," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. "Like there's nothing left inside me."

Dr. Cruz nodded, her eyes filled with understanding. "Can you tell me more about that feeling? What's been on your mind?"

I closed my eyes, images of my past flashing before me. My mother's warm smile, the vibrant colors of my paintings. All of it seemed like a distant dream now, replaced by a numb, aching void.

"Gusto kong bumalik sa pag-pipinta... but I'm afraid, it haunted me."  I said, my voice breaking. "I can't even lift a paintbrush... Sa tuwing sinusubukan kong hawakan o kahit tingnan man lang... memories keep flashing back, the pain... it's still there."

Dr. Cruz took a deep breath, choosing her next words carefully. "You've experienced significant trauma, Zahra. The loss of your mother and how you've been controlled. It's normal to feel disconnected to everything you love and even to yourself, pero hindi ibig-sabihin na hindi mo na kayang bumalik sa dati. It takes time, magtulungan tayo. Help yourself."

I looked down at my hands, my knuckles white from the intensity of my grip. "I don't know how to find my way back," I admitted, my voice barely audible.

Dr. Cruz reached out, placing a comforting hand on my arm. "Healing is a journey, Zahra, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Have you considered finding new sources of inspiration? Something that might help you reconnect with your emotions?"

I've been isolating myself; how can I even find inspiration? Ni hindi ko makita ang mundo sa kung ano ito, kahit  'yong mga masasayang bagay na nakikita ko sa paligid, it feels dark, empty. I don't feel anything.

I raised my head and give her a small smile.
"I'll try... susubukan kong makahanap, susubukan ko." It's a lie.

Kasi kahit anong gawin ko, kahit saan ako pumunta, wala akong makitang pweding bumuo ulit ng mga pirasong nawala. Even I can't find myself; I can't see any reason to feel whole again. It feels like I was in a dark room, and don't know how to find the way out.

After the session, I climbed into my car, the familiar smell of the leather seats and the hum of the engine providing a small measure of comfort. As I drove through the city streets, my mind wandered back to the session, Dr. Cruz's words echoing in my head. The traffic light turned red, and I found myself glancing to the right, where a small church stood quietly among the bustling cityscape.

I pulled over abruptly, the car jerking to a halt. The sight of the church tugged at something deep within me, a place I rarely allowed myself to explore. I wasn't religious; in fact, I had long since stopped believing that God could heal my pain. After all, if He existed, why had He allowed so much suffering in my life?