The Clones & Their Vod'ika

could ever be so lonely and so long: the silence between songs

summary:
Ahsoka privately reminisces about the good old days. Ezra's curiosity is piqued.

a/n:
yippee for my second republished fic!! realistically, ahsoka wouldn't have a photo album or a personal photographer with her but give my girl a break—she deserves it after everything she went through.

i hope you enjoy!

~~

Despite her increasing number of visits to the Ghost, her quarters never felt like her own. Light dust had settled on her furniture, her fingers coated gray after a cursory sweep. Cleaning seemed pointless when there was a chance that she might have to leave tomorrow, even if she just recently completed a mission.

Ahsoka's work was never-ending. That was the only constant she had the moment she left the icy, desolate planet and with it the countless bodies of brothers she once considered family.

She unclasped her armor, piling it neatly on the floor before sitting on the corner of her bed. It felt strange to have free time with nothing to do, no matter how brief. Her reports were swiftly finished and submitted, her check-in on the network revealed that all was stable, and when she offered assistance to everyone onboard, no one needed it.

She never liked sitting idle. Sitting idle meant that everything buried within her crawled to the surface, things she didn't—and might never—have the courage to fully face. Her men had known—had understood—and always found ways to keep her occupied, roping her into their training and downtime.

Her hand twitched at the thought of her brothers. As a Jedi, she was taught to release her emotions to the Force. But now, when she was no longer one of them...this was different. This heavy, aching grief stayed with her, coiling tightly like a vice around her heart and refusing to leave.

She wasn't willing to let it go either.

Although her nightmares were less frequent, they were never truly gone. The one person who understood was somewhere out there, but each time her desperate transmissions went unanswered, the small spark of hope in her diminished.

There was always the possibility that Rex was dead, left to rot on some unnamed planet with no one to bury him. She refused to accept it, the sharp pang of fear stabbing into her like it always did. What twisted the blade deeper was the idea that he might be ignoring her because he wanted nothing to do with her. After all, she was the one who unleashed a rage-driven Sith to wreak havoc. Even if she hadn't intended to kill their vod, she certainly played her part in it. No matter how much it hurt, it was infinitely better to believe that then to think that he was no longer alive. She already lost so much. She couldn't bear to lose anything else.

Letting out a broken scoff, she willed away the burning sheen in her eyes. Every time she assumed she had no more tears left to shed, she was proven wrong. It was her burden that she would carry with her for years, and her despair only grew heavier with each passing thought, crushing her chest until it felt as though her lungs could burst.

Desperate to ease the suffocating pain that threatened to consume her, she frantically reached for the table beside her, wrenching open each cabinet until her fingers wrapped around a small holoprojector. Clutching it close to her chest, she forced herself to take deep breaths.

As her heart slowed, she loosened her tight grip on the device and gently placed it on a chair. There was only a moment of hesitation before she activated it. Glowing blue images instantly sprang to life.

This time, she allowed the tears to spill down her cheeks. Swiping through the first collection, she drank in the familiar sight of the Jedi. She could almost recall the Temple's lightness, the soaring freedom she felt when she walked through its halls before everything fell apart. Pausing on some pictures, she traced their faces with trembling fingers.

Master Ti stood regally with pride, her palms framing Ahsoka's face as she placed a newly crafted Akul-tooth headdress on her bowed head.

Master Plo's clawed hand gently rested on Ahsoka's bare shoulder while she beamed brightly, proudly displaying her first lightsaber with a raised fist.

Obi-Wan presented a cup of tea with a warm smile and Ahsoka's fingers wrapped around his, accepting the offering with a smile of her own.

Anakin crouched beside The Twilight, shooting Ahsoka a thumbs up with grease-covered fingers as she knelt right beside him, spanner in hand.

She didn't realize she was holding her breath until a shaky whimper escaped her throat, her hand immediately clamping over her mouth to prevent any more from spilling out. Even after being cast aside, she mourned them all the same. They were the ones who watched her grow and shaped her values. It felt like a cruel joke that she, a failed Padawan, survived while the Order and her Master, the Chosen One who was larger than life itself, went out the way that they did, leaving her with nothing but ghosts.

She had looked through these photos hundreds of times, yet each time the second collection loaded, she was always taken aback by the sheer volume that far surpassed the first album. War was no place for a child, but it was her life. Although they were both the best and worst moments that she ever went through, she had no regrets becoming a Commander.

The Jedi may have taken her in as a child, but her men—her vod—were the reason she was still alive and fighting to this day. Every single thing they passed onto her, from their combat skills to war strategies, were used each day she rebelled against the Empire.

Just like before, she leaned closer to the pictures, allowing herself to bask in the cherished memories of a distant past.

Wolffe smirked while Ahsoka clung to his back, her small hands gripping his shoulders tightly as they chased Boost and Sinker down the hallway.

Rex's head was slumped in his arms, an equally sleepy Ahsoka mirroring his position with two datapads and empty cups of caf sitting between them.

Fives's hands boosted Ahsoka up as she pinned a paint bucket over an empty office while a terrified Echo stared into the camera, guarding the doorway.

Dozens of clones wearing birthday hats gathered beside Ahsoka and Cody, who were clearly engaged in a closely contested game of darts.

As usual, she scrolled through the photos until she reached the video nestled deep in the album. Her nails dug deep into her palms as she stifled her sobs, straining to hear each of them clearly. Their voices were both a balm and a knife to her soul, their familiar timbres reminding her of how lonely she truly was.

When the video ended, Ahsoka sat unmoving, the harsh pounding of her heart in her montrals her only companion in the defeating silence. After a few moments, the blue light winked out and she was plunged in darkness. She slowly unclenched her fist, forcing the tension to bleed out of her stiff back.

"Ni su'cuyi, gar kyr'adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum," she whispered, their names slipping easily from her lips. Her guilt was just as overwhelming as the first day she recited the remembrance. Only this time, she didn't have the luxury of honoring them until her voice croaked.

A sharp beep from her comm interrupted her mid-chant, pulling her from her sorrow. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the holoprojector, the cool steel a small relief against the crescent-shaped indents in her skin. She huffed out a choked laugh. Even when everyone in the pictures were gone, it felt as though they were still trying to reach out to comfort her.

There was a familiar burn in her eyes as she set the device on the table, but this time, she refused to let her grief take over. It wasn't safe to take the holoprojector with her, but just like she always did, she swore to herself that this wouldn't be the last time she saw their faces.

Steeling herself, she swiftly donned her armor and strode out the door with determined steps, never giving a backward glance.

The young, lost girl was gone, buried with her memories. It was time for Fulcrum to lead the Rebellion.

~~

translations:
1. Ni su'cuyi, gar kyr'adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum: I'm still alive, but you are dead. I remember you, so you are eternal.

a/n:
stay tuned for the next chapter to find out what was in that video ;)