WordSmith

The fine-art of putting words in their rightful place

Recently, The Pop-Star Charli XCX released her album 'brat.' The title and cover art became an internet-viral sensation when Kamala Harris put its youth-full cool into her campaign pool. The album's musical style channels London's 90s rave scene; a time in which I was a resolute, "brat!"

I worked and played hard. New experiences were a selfish priority; and when an adventure called, I dived in without a care for consequence.

let me take you back to a 90s Friday night in London. A friend and I were in a Soho pub enjoying pre-club drinks. I was brim-full of beery-ebullience when my friend nodded towards a man, "He's been looking at you since we came in," she said.

I followed her nod, when my eye met his, the man ventured over. And, like Mr Slugworth from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, he whispered in my ear, "Have you ever thought of being on TV?" I shook my head and laughed dismissively. He handed me a business card, "Have a think about it," he said, and sloped off.

Monday-Morning came, carrying with it the moody blues. Throwing my Friday night jeans in the wash basket, the man's card fell out. I noted the logo of a BIG TV Company, under which was the man's name and his Job title: PRODUCER. My interest piqued, I popped it into my wallet and thought, "Hmmmm?"

Lunchtime, I called and was put through to mystery-man, "You're interested now, are You?" he asked. "Interested in what?" I replied. He cut to the chase, "I'm developing a new travel show, and considered you for one of the presenters." That evening I found myself in celebrity hangout Soho-House, schmoozing with TV Executives.

Soon after, I was on a plane with a film crew flying to Russia to co-present the pilot episode of an edgy new travel-show. In Moscow we headed for Red Square and began filming. It was exciting and daunting in equal measure. Our lines were scripted, and we had to deliver them to camera under the duress of a danger-full atmosphere and suspicious stares. Despite my lack of experience, I delivered. I slept well on my first night in Yeltsin's Russia.

The following days were tension filled; the nights were excitingly-terrifying. The remit of the show was its 'alternative travelogue.' As such, we were to report on Moscow's 'underground' night-life. Under the cover of darkness, we were smuggled into clubs to interview perfectly nice folk who were considered subversives in their mother-land. There was lots of covert ducking and diving – at times I wondered if I'd live out my days in a Russian-Gulag.

We boarded the over-night sleeper train to St Petersburg (an incredible experience, another column).

While in St Petersburg, I learned the importance of syntax: that is, putting words in their rightful place. The production company wanted a scene in The Hermitage Art Gallery, yet they had no permit to film inside. After much discussion they decided to go rogue and chance a brief piece to camera. I was chosen to deliver it: PRESSURE!

My two lines were: 'This is the world famous Hermitage Gallery, home to the largest collection of art in the world. So large in fact, that if you were to STOP and look at each painting for ONE minute, it will take you TEN years.'

I was to deliver it while descending a central staircase. I paced nervously while the camera crew readied; a makeup woman continually powdered my sweaty brow, furtively. Finally, my cue came. I threw my arms wide and began my descent and delivery to camera, "This is the world famous Hermitage Gallery, home to the largest collection of art in the world. So large in fact, that if you were to STOP (I stopped and stared down the camera, then confidently continued), and look at each painting for TEN years, it will take you ONE minute." I smiled wide, and walked away, convinced I'd nailed it.

I'd failed it – and was told so by a furious producer as we fled from the world's most glorious gallery.

Thus, my fledgling TV Career floundered and flickered out. But I didn't care; for I returned to London with something bigger. Amidst the adventure a spark had ignited, a 'Bond' had formed – I literally returned: FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.