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His Selene by reader_SecretAgent
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SIX points review:
1. Intro: I was in awe of the first paragraph. It's knitted so beautifully, enticing right from the beginning. "She had outshone the moon." I read that twice to capture its beauty.
2. Writing Style: The flow is dreamy and detailed. I loved how the description mostly consisted of the characters' feelings instead of the scenery. That is best fitted for this story. I would encourage you to follow this writing style because it seems to be the intuitive output of the writer inside of you. Of course, you can go ahead and experiment but don't shy away from letting your intuition take over.
3. Grammar: I did not find anything that sorely stood out to me. Vocabulary is extremely suiting the fairy-tale-like theme of the story, especially phrases like the star-kissed ocean, he fell for a philosopher, and the sparkling blanket of stars stretched out endlessly before them. However, look out for the commas both in and out of dialogue tags. The dialogue tags are done correctly later in the story, but the first half includes missing commas.
4. Plot-line: Quite beautifully heartbreaking. I was instantly reminded of the quote, "Good things never last." However, their memories will live on, glowing brighter on the darkest nights. Mirroring her as the moon of his life was rather tragically romantic. As you said, "He can't see her, but she will always be with him, in his heart."
5. Pace: I would give the pacing a 10/10. I would advise writers to be careful with including flashbacks as they usually become the 'wall' in the flow of the story if not correctly paced. You did a great job.
6. Ending: The plot line was heavily influenced by your style of writing, giving it a magical taste despite the sad ending. It was an enchantingly heart-wrenching tale. Your writing easily connects with the readers.
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