clay's pov:
as soon as y/n drove away i knew i had fucked up. i never mean to hurt her the way i do. it's not fair to her that i'm still hung up on another girl, another girl that i could've saved if i had just loved her more.
even though hannah said in her tape that i wasn't really at fault, everyday i can't help but imagine how different things could be if i had saved her.
"you should really go after her you know?"
i jumped back and looking back at me was, of course, hannah.
"not now. please, haven't you ruined my life enough?" i put my face in my hands so i didn't have to face her.
"oh, so you're saying this is my fault then?" hannah asked me, her tone sounded hurt.
"no, i didn't mean it like that. just... i need to move on, for both me and y/n. i can't stop thinking about you still and people would probably think i'm fucking crazy if they knew i was talking to an imaginary version of you!"
she didn't say anything in response so i kept going, "i wish things could go back to normal or that you could just come back!" my voice started to crack. "i'm scared i can't love someone else because i'll never be able to get over you," i looked up to see hannah staring at me, her eyes filled with sorrow. "stop looking at me like that. you appearing randomly isn't helping my case either. maybe if i didn't see you almost everyday i would be able to give y/n the love she deserves. gosh, can you please just go away?" i looked up and she wasn't there anymore. i sighed and picked myself off the floor.
she was right though. i should go after her, maybe that would make me a better boyfriend instead of just a fuckup. i took a few deep breaths before grabbing my keys and driving off to y/n's house.
once i got to her house, i pulled into the driveway before jumping out of the car with the sudden rush of adrenaline i had just received. i rung the doorbell and heard her footsteps coming down the stairs. she looked happy in the moment but that quickly faded as soon as she saw who was at the door. then, we were face to face with each other.
"y/n, can we talk please love?" i reached out to her and she backed away with tears threatening to run down her cheeks.
i couldn't look at her. especially knowing that i had caused her that pain. what kind of terrible boyfriend am i? how pathetic am i to make my girlfriend cry and then look away because it hurt me to see her cry??
i decided to try again, "y/n, can i come in?"
"leave now, clay," her tone was harsh but you could tell she had just been crying.
"i want to fix this, please let me," i reached out to her again and she backed away even more.
"DONT TOUCH ME," her voice was stern and she looked scared.
"i'm sorry y/n, i really really am. i know i don't deserve you but i couldn't imagine my life without you."
"oh really? you can't imagine your life without me, but you have no problem imagining hannah was still alive. you need me in your life, but when i'm there you push me away and make me feel like a goddamn second choice, clay!" she was crying even more now and remorse filled my body, but one part of me was angered.
"i'm literally trying to fix this, but you won't even let me into your house! it's not my fault i can't get over my first love who KILLED HERSELF!"
"I NEVER FUCKING SAID IT WAS!" her voice rose and we were both screaming at each other at this point.
"well you sure know how to make me feel like it WHEN YOU WERE A REASON!" as soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, i wished i could take them back.
"wait what..? i'm a reason?" her eyes welled up with tears again and i couldn't do anything besides stand there.
"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i didn't mean that! i didn't mean to tell you..." my voice trailed off.
"get out of my house."
"no i can't, not when we just fought like this. can we just talk please??" i begged her.
"i'm not gonna say it again, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!"
i forced myself to walk back to my car and back out of her driveway. how did i mess that up too?? fuck. i was never supposed to tell her. i betrayed hannah's wishes to keep that tape to myself, and i hurt y/n in the process of trying to apologize. i know how it felt and it hurt like hell, knowing or thinking you were a reason for someone's death.
i was staring at the wheel and dissociating as my breath quickened. my hearing became distorted and my vision foggy. i could faintly hear cars honking, but i couldn't snap out of it. the next thing i knew, i heard a loud crash and everything went black.
