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What I've been going through for a while now (Very Important)

Ok, I know that there are so many speculations about me being into bad stuff, that I have problems and other stuff like that, which also got me in a lot of trouble with other users… So I decided to share with you about how I’ve been doing lately… So first of all, I’d like to state what the problem was: well, people basically accused me of being something really bad, which on top of that got me blocked by several users, some of whom I consider to be great friends of mine, and whose names I’d keep in secret, as I’m already in enough trouble already… And after those events, and an entire month break from Discord, I figured out what was wrong with me… well, it is NOT exactly proven, but I believe this is what my case is: I’m suffering from an addiction towards the bad stuff I mentioned (I won’t say what the addiction is, because I’m genuinely ashamed of this, and I am under quite a lot of mental pressure already)… And come to think of it, I believe I’ve been experiencing symptoms of it for over a year, maybe even more… Now, before you all start bullying me, I just want to let you know that I am aware of my problem, but the reason I didn’t took any actions, regarding it was because I had no idea at all about how serious it actually was… I mean, when I was younger, I genuinely despised those stuff in general to the point I’d try to avoid them at all cost… So what went wrong? Well, I guess my mind changed a lot, after I became an adult, and I thought there was no problem with me liking these things… And now, thinking about it, I can see what others meant: As an adult, I must take responsibility for my actions! The problem with that is, I’m autistic, and I don’t know how to act like my age sometimes, and I do very wrong stuff… So yeah, over this entire time, I’ve been trying to quit my addiction, and I’ve been literally doing my best… And by addiction, I mean it is serious… I never gambled, I never smoked, maybe I did drink once or twice, but it was nothing serious… Until now… And to make it worse, it’s not just my mental health that has declined… My physical condition has deteriorated a bit as well: I’ve been having trouble sleeping in general, as 6 hours is my minimum amount of sleep, but as of lately, I’ve struggled a lot, because I’m under a lot of stress; then I haven’t been able to eat as much as I used to, which I think might be due to the hot weather in where I live, but the issue is I don’t have any appetite in general; and finally, there is pain: my head, and my body in general hurts a lot, whenever I think about all of this: yes, I know being obsessed with your issues is very unhealthy, but I can’t control my anxiety sometimes… And the nightmares and unpleasant thoughts… For the entire week after that accident, I’ve had nightmares in which I actually cause actual harm… And these dreams almost made me do those stuff in reality… Like, I had obsessive thoughts and heard constant voices in my head, criticizing me for everything I did wrong, and telling me that no one cares about me, and that I should just give up… However, I know that if I give up and start doing all of this again, the whole situation will start worsening again… And I won’t lie to you at all, but this time, I genuinely feel depressed, helpless and unable to get out from the hole… My parents constantly criticize me that I am lazy, and I’ll fail in university, when I start in October, and they occasionally tell me off, because they believe I am possibly addicted to my phone (I stay about 2 hours per day at minimum, which I don’t think it is that big issue, while they always threaten to take my phone away, which I despise, as I need it for a lot of things), and while I might seem like a relatively optimistic person, the things which can genuinely put me down are the helplessness and inability to improve… And whenever I feel threatened, I become quite impulsive and agitated, as well as clingy and defensive, and possessive… And no, I’m not saying any of this, because I feel lonely and/or I want attention; I’m saying all of this, because it is somewhat the sad, torturing truth of life experience… While I want to go back to Discord, I’m also scared, as I’m worried that those who got uncomfortable with me, because of my addiction, would still treat me poorly and even if I eventually overcome my problematic addiction, I’m scared that I’ll forever be rejected by others, because of what I got through… So yeah… I know what I have to do: I must stop thinking about all that happens to me right now, and focus on my goals. And I know that reaching my goals won’t be easy, and getting out from the deep hole of depression and addiction at this point will be like a movie plot, but this is the only right thing I must do. Now, I will do my best to eventually overcome my problem, no matter what it takes me! I know it will be hard, but I must do it. Because I know that having an addiction could totally ruin your life, but I never had to properly experience it, until as of recently… So yeah, while I might talk to you sometimes, I can’t promise it will be all the time, as I’m only allowed for up to 1 hour per day to use my phone, and I’ll try to overcome my problem, and I will do my best to stop doing artworks that might probably be considered as “inappropriate”, as I know that not everyone is okay with some of these things. So yeah, that’s all from me for now. While I might do artworks and stories, I’m not sure whether I might post all of them: I may do several variants of them, but only show the appropriate ones. Also, I want to tell you that when I get better, I’ll try to start talking to others again. I know earning the trust of others is hard, and that earning the trust back of someone, after I lost it, is very impossible… And I know that everyone has flaws, but in order to be accepted, we mustn’t let our flaws get in our way (which in my case, I accidentally did, as I have issues, which I can’t always control…) Alright, I think this is all from me for now! If you ever want to talk to me, you can text me, and while I might not reply immediately, I’ll do my best! And I know that right now, I must try to focus on my recovery, and accomplishing my goals! Keep in mind that it is very hard for me, so I’m not sure how active I might be in general, while on my journey: I might probably try to check my notifications every day, but because I want to try to move on from all the bad things, and the fact university is way harder than high school, I don’t know how active I might be, after certain times arrive. I’ll still try to keep my accounts active, in case you want to chat with me, so if I don’t respond immediately, don’t worry, I’ll try to message you back when possible!

Alright everyone! Thanks for listening to me! And I promise you that I’ll try to do my best to overcome my problems! I know it won’t be easy, but this time, I am willing to do my best, because I know it is the only right thing, and I must focus on my goals, because I know that if I give up, all the efforts would be wasted!

Goodbye for now, everyone! I’ll see you again one day!

Yours, BGEevee2005 (Martin Vachkov/Miles Walker)