Scars

2: grade 12

"Ikaw ang mag explain sa number one." Our chemistry teacher said.

I did not do well again but I did not cry or experienced an pannick attack to this but I'm disappointed. Kapag kase ganito ay bumalik ang ala ala ko nong nakita nila akong magkaroon ng pannick attack sa harapan dahil sa recap ko. It become one of my trauma. Palaging nagflaflashback iyon sakin kapag nasa eskwelahan ako. I know nobody would understand that feeling. Kahit na siguro iyong kaibigan ko na may emotional intelligence. Ewan ko lang pero iyon ang tingin ko.

I always believe that telling your problem with someone can give you peace of mind and can help you breathe from those. I know someone would judge and someone would not and give you advices pero iba e, tingin ko kahit na magsabi ako at nakakagaan nga iyon ng pakiramdam may parte parin sakin naniniwala na ako lang ang makakaintindi sa nararamdaman kong iyon because I'm the one who indeed experienced those not them. So even when someone would said to me that they know what I feel because there putting there perspective on my shoe, it would never be fit because I'm the one who only know it best and I'm the one who would fit on that shoe and not anyone else.

I feel a little better this days, I think this 2023-2024 school year was good to me and I'm happy. Hindi masyadong mabigat. I'm happy with some of my groupings now, minsan ay nahihiya talaga ako pag napunta ako sa mga hindi ako komportable pero ayos lang rin naman...siguro. May iba pa ding hindi talaga ako nakakaambag dahil nahihiya ako pero pakiramdam ko sa iba naman ay nakakahalubilo nako. Masaya ako sa simpleng improvement na yun kahit na ganoon lang.

May mag defense na nangyari samin. Nakakahiya lang sa part ko na nangunguna parin sakin ang kaba talaga, nabubulol talaga ako minsan. Iyan na lang problema ko at nabubulol ako. Nothing much happened in this school year. May iilan akong kahihiyan na moments pero nakaya naman. Pero nagflaflashback parin sakin ang mga kahihiyang nagawa ko dahil sa takot. I think it would forever flash in my mind, nasa sakin nalang kong ano pa ang magiging pananaw ko don.

I graduated. I'm thankful and still had a guilt inside me. I'm happy to meet those classmates, friends and teachers on those two years of my senior high journeys. I'll be forever indebted to them.

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August 5, 2024

I just experienced it recently. My mom and I decided to buy groceries. Nakakahiyang pangyayari to sa buhay ko na naman at dulot na niya naman. Nabangga ko ang paa niya ng hindi sinasadya sa nilalagyan namin ng pinamili. Minura niya ako at maraming tao ang naroon ng ginawa niya yun. Naiiyak ako non kaya nanlabo ang mata ko na natamaan ko na naman ang paa niya ng di sinasadya, pinatid niya ang nilalagyan namin at minura ako. Panay ang tingin sakin ng mga tao at naiiyak nalang ang tanging nagawa ko. Gusto ko ng umalis non pero wala akong magawa. I guess even my own mother would cause me so much harm in public eye. I would might forgive her for that but I wouldn't forget. Sobrang dami kong pinagdadaanan dahil sa mga tao sa paligid ko

Do I really deserve to feel this way? All I wanted was to live happily and freely but why they gave so much scars to me to suffer.

I wish I be born again and I hope that time I wouldn't experience too much embarrassing moments and just be happy to that life. I hope I would be love by my next life and treated like I'm a person.