Love You Dead

Chapter 5: Sea of Love

I awoke to the sound of the toilet flushing. I opened my eyes and saw Harry exit the hotel room bathroom and sit on the bed with his head in his hands.
"You alright, love?"
"Exhausted is all. How'd you sleep?"
"Great now that they'll let us share a damn hotel room."
Harry grinned at that. "Wanna go sneak around and go to brunch?"
"I want nothing more."
Harry smiled a smile that didn't touch his eyes. He got up and put a shirt on. I watched him carefully. Ever since finding self inflicted marks, I watched him carefully. I hated whatever he used to hurt himself with. I wish it was never invented. I had a sort of childish hatred inside whatever gave Harry the idea in the first place. I got up and put on a shirt.
"Meet me at that Italian restaurant you love in fifteen minutes." Harry said before kissing me and leaving.
I sighed and finished getting dressed, hating sneaking around with him like this was forbidden. It was forbidden, but not because we were two guys, but because we needed to give girls this delusion that they may have a chance with us two. It was terrible for many reasons.
I was about to leave but I needed to grab my wallet, so I went through my suitcase. Unable to find it, I began panicking realizing I was going to be late. I remembered that I put it in Harry's suitcase accidentally during a drunken night of tour bus adventures, so I opened his suitcase.
I found kale smoothie recipes, stylish clothes, many socks, and finally my wallet. I checked in it for my ID, just to be safe, before realizing it had fallen out. I reached to pick it up when I noticed a little baggy of...sugar? Harry tried to stay away from processed sugar. Then I realized what a fool I was being. I picked it up, hands shaking. It was cocaine. Due to experiences I hate talking about, I knew cocaine when I saw it. I shuddered and breathed quickly, on the verge of a panic attack. I had been monitoring his drinking. He seemed to be doing better. We drank to have fun when life got to stressful. We shared sloppy kisses, embarrassing stories, fears, dreams... I had been sure his relationship with alcohol had been healthy again. It obviously had been, since he's been doing something else now.
Unless he was mixing.
The thought of that drove me over the edge.
"Fuck!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I stomped into the bathroom like a child and emptied the bag of cocaine and flushed it down the toilet. Then I cried.
I sobbed how I did when my parents got divorced. I sobbed like the time I had a bad trip on acid during school. I sobbed like the night I was told I couldn't love Harry publically.
I checked my phone. Fifteen minutes late. I didn't care, I was pissed. I went into the hotel gift basket and took the fireball. I chugged it straight, gagging and coughing.
I called my limo driver to the front. I exited the hotel, ignoring the protests of Zayn, saying he needed to talk.
"Later on we will talk Zayn, I'm late for a date."
"Right, go on then." Zayn looked me up and down. "Smell like some liquor there, lad."
"Dont worry. The limo driver is taking me."
He nodded. I turned around and went into the limo.
-----
Five minutes later and thirty minutes late, I had arrived.
My vision was blurry by this time and I finally checked my phone. Five missed calls. I squinted at my phone. Two from Harry and three from some dude who works for me. He was an ass, so I referred to him as that. I think his name was Drake. He got fired two days after this incident.
I had a voicemail from Drake.
I took a sip out of the complementary champagne glass in the limo as I listened to his message.
"Louis? I don't know where you are, but get back to the hotel immediately. I saw Harry leave so I followed him. When I caught him, he told me what you two were doing. We talked about this. No more stunts like this. I mean it."
I scowled at my phone before apologizing to my limo driver and asking him to return me home.
On the short drive back, I had an interesting discussion with him. His name was Larry, ironically enough, and I drunkenly told him all my secrets, including Harry's cocaine baggy.
He listened but he didn't say anything. When we arrived back, he finally said something.
"What's meant to be will be. Take care of Harry if he means a lot to you, but Louis... Your happiness is just as important."
I nodded and thanked him before heading back to my hotel room.
----
Harry was already in the room.
"Fuck off!" He shouted just as I entered the room. He hardly ever yells.
"We share this room for the next couple of days, mate. I pulled a lot of strings to make that happen, actually!"
"That was before I knew you were a snooper."
"I needed my damn wallet, Harry."
"So you continued to snoop?"
"You left it out for the whole fucking planet to see!"
"Don't yell at me."
"Ha, so it's okay when you do it? Great."
"Louis, let's talk calm-"
"There is no fucking calm anymore, Harry! You're nothing now, you drink, you cut, you do coke..."
"Lou, I know you're drunk, please relax."
"You're weak. I need to be happy too."
Harry began to tear up. "You're not making sense. I'm sorry for yelling, I-"
"Shut the hell up. I'm sick of giving everything to you and you don't try at all to get better. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you."
I quickly gathered my things.
"W-where are you going? Please don't leave-"
"Stop. I'm renting another room."
Harry stared at me and after minutes of gathering my items, I left.
I hate myself for that.
-----------------------------------
630 days after
We hardly talked after that. I felt terrible but I was a stubborn bastard. We made lots of eye contact and finally, I smiled at him. He looked away quickly.
I frowned. We did an interview that day and afterwards, I took his hand when no one was watching and led him to the one stall, family bathroom.
He didn't protest. I locked the door. He locked his eyes with mine. I kissed him with as much passion as I could muster. He grabbed my waist and kissed me back.
"Do you still love me?" I whispered.
Harry moved, indicating he wanted to face me.
"I will never stop." He said firmly.
"Even after I was horrible?"
"No. You were right. You deserve happiness too, which is why I don't think we should be together again."
"Harry, no. Please. You're my world. You are my happiness."
"I can't be that for you. I won't always be here."
"Harry, you said you loved me!"
Harry took a deep breath before he began to put his boxers on.
"Harry. Say somethin-"
"I can't be with you until I'm myself again." The words were so broken and full of pain. My eyes darted to his arms. I grabbed his wrists. Old scars, but nothing new. Harry looked at me with pained eyes. I did something crazy and stupid next.
I grabbed his pants and forcefully unzipped them, ignoring his protests and attempted to take them off. Harry pushed me off of him.
"What're you doing?!" He asked.
"If you love me, show me your legs. I need to see, Harry." He stared at me nervously before agreeing. When he removed them, I gasped. There were cuts everywhere, deep, red. Full of sadness. I walked away, leaning my head against the wall.
I started to cry. Harry's breathing hitched and he came over to me and hugged me from behind.
"Don't cry. Please." He said, breathing uneven. "I hate this. Please don't cry."
"Every time you hurt yourself, you're slowly killing me."
"...I can't be with you until I'm me again, Louis. I love you so much. So much. Believe me."
I turned around to face him. Our faces were inches apart.
"Please, Harry. I can help."
"I can't ask you to do that. You never signed up for this."
"I want you. All of you!"
Harry shook his head. "We'll be together someday. I promise."
He looked at my lips and I looked at his. "I love you. Forever." I managed to get out.
Harry smiled the tiniest smile before putting his pants on and leaving. He never looked back. I stared at the floor in disbelief. I began to sink to the ground. I didn't cry anymore. I was numb.
Nothing could hurt me again, because the only thing important enough to hurt me was gone.