At the Hand of Fate

Chapter Eleven

 I shiver as the cold breeze cuts across the yard, blowing through my cardigan. I should have worn something heavier. I look around. I hate being alone here, but I don't like subjecting anyone to this. No one understands.

I work my way to the spot that no child should ever be able to walk to with their eyes closed. My parents' graves. I kneel down as the breezes dances between the headstones around me, scattering dead leaves over the graveyard. I stare at the marble headstones I thought I wouldn't have to see until I was a lot older. My parents' names, engraved in the headstones, stare back at me. I exhale shakily, setting a vase of white lotuses in between them.

I lean back to sit as I just stare at the lotuses swaying in the November breeze. Every year this day comes, and I find it hard to function. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go out of the house, I don't want to see anybody. I just want to lay in bed, in the dark, until the next day rises over the horizon. Even after six years, sometimes it's still a little hard to breathe on November twenty-third. Today, the anniversary of my parents' deaths.

I wring my hands as that cop lights and spilled ice cream filled memory floods my head. I shake my head, rubbing my face as the tears threaten to flow. It'll never get any easier. That same feeling in my gut grows as I try to slow my breathing. That feeling that says: You're never going to see your parents again. They won't see you graduate, won't see you get married, won't be grandparents. They've missed your whole life.

I fall backwards, dust flying up around me as I make contact with the ground. This year feels harder than they have before. I don't think I can handle it. I try to compose myself as thunder booms over me. Am I doing that? I don't even know. Rain falls around me as I get to my knees. The headstones, now wet, shimmer in the lightning.

The rain soaks me through to the core, and I'm freezing. I don't care. I don't think that I can deal with this anymore. I graduate this year. This is my last year of high school. And they won't be here to see it.

I sit against the oak tree behind their graves as the rain picks up. Someone crest the hill, dark hair completely dry and hazel eyes shining in the lightning. Rhys. He laughs as he walks towards me. "Did you do that for dramatic effect or something?" He stops the rain with a wave of his hand. A cardinal chirps in the tree above me as he sits next to me. He pulls me against him, drying me off with a wave of his hand.

"It gets harder every year, Rhys. And with me graduating this year, and Derek, I don't know if I can take it." I stare at the petals on one of the lotuses. "Blake, you'll be fine. You've never been one to let anything get to you like this. You always power through it." I lean my head on his shoulder. "I can try." He pats my shoulder. "Rhys, I'm glad we're friends. I don't know what I'd do without you." He chuckles. "Speaking of, Carissa's waiting for you at the house." He helps me to my feet. He stretches as he stands. "Did you drive here?" I shake my head. He nods. "I'll take you back." He sets a hand on my shoulder. I place a kiss on each headstone before we leave, the marble cold against my shaky hands.

*************************

Carissa greets me as soon as Rhys and I land in the entryway. She throws herself around me. She knows how hard today is for me. She doesn't fully understand it, but she understands where I'm coming from. She leads me into the kitchen, where the scent of warm chocolate and mint greet me. Derek's standing at the table, behind a gorgeously decorated cake. He smiles sheepishly. "I made you your favorite cake, mint chocolate chip with mint-scented Swiss buttercream." He exhales. "Carissa told me about today."

My bottom lip quivers as the front door opens, Nonna and Renée walk into the kitchen, immediately pulling me into hugs. Renée's been crying, and still is. Stoic as always Verna Sorenson rubs my back, but I can tell that deep inside, she's still mourning her daughter. They all sit at the table, Rhys included, as I look over them. Rhys introduces himself to Nonna and Renée as Derek serves everyone cake. He sets a piece down in front of me, kissing the top of my head before he moves to cut another piece. Everyone I love in one room, everyone missing the same people that deserve to be here with us.