hopeless romantic • taylor swift

CHAPTER ONE

MONROE

I was repeating the street name to myself over and over again, grabbing the post-it I left for myself on the dashboard to make sure the street name I wrote down was correct. Maplewood Avenue. "I don't see a damn Maplewood Avenue!"

I slammed my hand down on my steering wheel. I was so frustrated, I just wanted to find this damn street. But it was nowhere to be seen.

Alessandro cried in the backseat – it was a weeping, distressing cry. Every time he cried like that, dread flooded through me. It was haunting.

"I'm sorry, Ale. I'm trying." I was feeling so defeated. After a way too long road trip, the last thing I needed was not being able to find the damn street I was supposed to be living on.

Alessandro wept and wept some more, having no idea how hard I was truly trying. He was only eight weeks old, barely out in the world. If I had a rough trip, I can't imagine how he felt.

"I'm sorry, my baby, I am,"

So many thoughts flew through my head at once, overthinking rapidly. I should have waited until he was older to move. I never should have left South Carolina. There were so many thoughts, I couldn't even keep track of them.

We'd spent days in this car, and now that it was supposed to be coming to an end, I was more stressed than ever – and it seemed like Alessandro was too.

When I decided to move to New York State, I thought it seemed like the absolute best option for both me and my son. But right now, in this car...

The screech Alessandro was letting out told a different story.

What was only a few days spent on the road, felt like months on end. The fact that I was now alone in the world, with only my baby son, hit me hard.

No matter how unhappy I was in this car, I had already made my bed. Now I had to lay in it. If I could just find this stupid street so I could find my bed.

I'd driven god only knows how many miles, and now that I was finally in the maze of New York State, I had absolutely lost my way, unable to find Maplewood Avenue.

My heart was pounding and it was taking everything in me not to cry and have a full-blown meltdown. "It's okay, baby. We're almost there."

Me saying that was pointless, as he could not understand me. The only thing on Alessandro's mind was getting out of this death trap that was my car. I knew he was hungry and probably needed his diaper changed. We were supposed to get to our rental house in time for his next meal and diaper change, but I was driving in circles, trying to find Maplewood Avenue.

We were lost.

I drove halfway up the East Coast, just to get lost when I made it right to my destination. My mind was a whirring tornado.

I grabbed my phone, checking Google Maps. My soon-to-be boss told me that it was a new road, so GPS might screw up the route; he'd given me instructions just in case, but every time I read over them, I didn't understand them any more than I did the last ten times.

Alessandro's small voice broke. His cries stopped for a small moment so that he could take a deep breath, and then it started all over again. I looked into the mirror that was above his car seat to see my son's face scrunched up and bright red.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my own eyes filling up with tears. I couldn't stop them from falling.

I wanted to give up so bad, but I knew I couldn't.

A sob escaped from my throat, my son's cries mixing with my own. I pulled off the highway and off to the shoulder.

I really wanted to quit. I didn't know how much more I could take. I could feel myself slowly falling apart, no matter how hard I tried to keep myself together. This trip from South Carolina to New York was killing me. I had gotten this close to my final stop and this was when I decided to crumble.