CASUAL • Harry Lewis/w2s

eleven

It was good to be home for a week. The last month and a half had been weird. The sidemen schedule had been more packed but that wasn't the reason why.

It was Harry.

When I was home for the week, I had a lot more time to think, and I spent way too much of it on him. I was trying to figure out why this thing between us kept happening.

It wasn't hard to figure out why I wanted to have sex with him. He was good-looking. On top of that things, he was a bit more talented than you'd expect. The talent I'm referring to was his sexual performance. And he was quite talented. I hated him for it. I despised him for making me reach my peak over and over, and for knowing that every time I screamed his name, he was working magic on me. I couldn't stand the fact that he got satisfaction from having power over me.

I hated that he had improved me so much as well. Though I wasn't bad at all, with him I lost myself in the moment and let go of any inhibitions I had. I have never once felt overly exposed, uneasy, or nervous during our while having sex. I wasn't about to tell him that he had that effect on me, so it's not like he knew this. We hardly ever said anything during sex except for the typical things people say in the heat of passion.

So I understood why I wanted to fuck him. But that didn't really explain why I kept doing it. Technically, Harry and I are not allowed to have sex. Why did I keep going back to see someone with whom I shouldn't have had sex? I was becoming concerned for my mental health. What was wrong with me that for someone I could fuck so much up with, I could feel such physical attraction to?

After a couple of days of sitting around my family home eating way too many sweets and letting my parents spoil me, I decided to push Harry out of my head.

The main reason I needed to stop focusing on Harry was because it was making me neglect my younger brother, Leo. It was easy for me to sit on the couch and overthink my messed-up relationship with Harry, while my brother sat nearby, quietly reading a book on his Kindle. I hated the fact that Harry was keeping my attention when I could be spending time with the most amazing 8-year-old ever.

So I cut Harry out of my thoughts the best I could and nudged Leo. He looked up at me.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

He nodded enthusiastically and handed me the remote. We looked through Netflix and settled on Despicable Me 1, which has always been my brother's favourite. I had the movie queued up but did not start it. First, I went to the kitchen and made some popcorn. I sat back down and pressed play.

We watched while snuggled under a blanket. When it was done, I turned off the television.

"Thanks for watching with me," Leo said. I immediately felt guilty for not spending more time with him during my first few days at home.

"Thanks for being the best," I replied. "Sorry if I have been a little boring. I have things on my mind."

"You okay?"

"Of course I am. Just boy stuff."

"Boyfriend?" He asked.

"No,"

"A crush?"

"Not that either,"

"Then what is it then?"

It's not like I could explain much about my relationship with Harry to an 8-year-old.

I carefully considered how I could explain it to him. "It's one of my good friends who I've been hanging out with a little more than usual, and some people don't think that's okay, so it's a secret."

"You want him as a boyfriend?

"No, I only want him as a friend, but I like it when we hang out just the two of us," I said.

"Are you happy when you hang out with him?" He asked

Happy? Has Harry made me happy? Yes. Of course, he does; we've been best friends forever, but recent events have strained things, and we've argued in ways that neither of us has made the other happy. But when we were in bed together, I was blissfully happy, so he made me happy.

"Yeah, he makes me happy,"

"Then just hang out with him and don't care what others say," He stated eating the last of the popcorn.

"I wish it was that simple,"

"Is it one of the guys from Sidemen?" He asked.

Leo had been star-struck by I was in the Sidemen ever since he learnt about YouTube. He loved the Sidemen, and you might think that because I am his sister, I would be his favourite Sidemen, but I am not. His favourite Sidemen are Ethan and JJ, but only because they surprised him on his eighth birthday.

"I'm not telling you that,"

"Not fair," He mumbled crossing his arms over his chest. "At least tell me if I know him."

"You've never met him, but you know who he is."

I didn't plan to tell him who I was talking about. Leo couldn't keep his mouth shut at school. He has often spoiled a future sidemen video to all his friends at school so no way I was telling him this.

"You can't tell anyone what I have just told you. You have to keep this a secret. Don't tell Mom or Dad."

He slides two fingers over his mouth to simulate zipping it, then locks it and throws away the key.

"Good, now get upstairs and brush your teeth, it's late."