I Hate You More

Chapter 5

TW: SH, Death.

Jake and Hannah decided to go out that night spontaneously, they made such a cute couple, i was glad they found each other. I know its only early days but i see how Jake looks at her, the sparkle in his eyes, its different to any other girl he's dated. Seen as Jake obviously wasn't cooking for us tonight, Nate and I finally agreed on something. Pizza. 

I put in the order and it arrived soon after, he left me a tenner on the table and took his food to his room and i did mine, we still didn't get along after all this time. I decided on a plain old pepperoni pizza, it was my favourite. I got cozied up in bed and ate my pizza whilst watching WandaVision. I felt a sort of loneliness though, Hannah and Jake had found each other, Nate was going out for quickies from Tinder at least 3 times a week, i have nobody. I'm just here. Kind of lame right?

I had this issue a while back when our mum died, i didn't cry once, Jake cried all the time but i just sat curled up in the corner of my room and stared into nothing, i would just be sat thinking about how i had no friends, nobody who could relate to me or who could mourn with me. And i spiralled, i escalated each malevolent thought in my head until i was drowning, that's when i started to self harm. Nobody ever noticed about it, even though i would do it in plain view, not on purpose, just because i did, i just had really good excuses. I would cut my wrists and the top on my hands and my collarbone. Basically anywhere that it would be the most tender. Although it hurt in my mind it was a release of built up pressure, it gave me a reason to cry for my mum.

I have been clean for 3 years now, i took counselling and therapy it worked, until now. The timer resets, the loneliness feels its own pressure release but with 3 years as a price. 

To shake off the feelings i was having i dressed the wounds on my wrist and hopped in the shower, blasting Taylor Swift Midnights songs, it had the perfect combination of thoughtful, soul songs and upbeat dance songs. I let the warm water overcome my body and i felt calm, happier. I forgot about the loneliness for a couple minutes.

***

Once i left the shower i took off the bandage and I got dressed. I picked up my pizza box and walked down the hallway into the living room, placing it on the side next to the bin. I grabbed a glass and filled it up with water, before feeling a presence behind me.

"Hey are you like okay?" Nate said with genuine concern I turned to face him, looking confused.

"Yeah of course, why- " i responded

He lifted my left arm to inspect the cuts. "Hayley, can we talk about this?" he said softly,, how can one man be so bipolar, hating me one minute, a complete softie the next?

"Nate- I'm not talking about this with you." I started to walk back to my room quickly but he chased me.

"Hayley you haven't hurt yourself like this in 3 years" He said putting his hand in front of my door stopping me from going in my room, the tears welled up in my eyes.

"You- You knew about that?" I said choking back tears. 

"Hayls,there is only so many times you can cut your arm 'hopping over the fence' before people realise something is happening. i might really, really dislike you but that doesn't stop the fact I've known you since you were 8, i care about you." He put a hand on my shoulder, who was this man? This wasn't the man i grew up with.

"Nate you made my life a living hell, you have no right to say you care about me. Ever since I moved in here i have tried and tried to patch things up with us and you have resisted. So no, i will not talk to you about this." i barged past him and trudged into my room but he grabbed my arm and spun me around. 

"I'm sorry, you are right, I've been a dick and i shouldn't have pushed you to share about your, um self harm. Just know that its safe with me, and if you ever want to talk, I would happily drop the petty 'i hate you' act for 20 minutes. I'm here" He said. Did he just say act? Does he actually not hate me? And why do i have these light butterflies in my stomach...

It was only 8pm but i needed these swirling thoughts about Nate to be shoved down to a locked box in my brain never to be opened so i laid my head down and slept the night away, never to be revisited.