divine order

between hope and desire

Precious Pov
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It was one of those noons. The sun was too bright, the air thick with a strange mix of hope and dread, and everything outside felt too big, too loud, too much. I used to love waking up like these, back when Malachi was still with me. My sweet boy. I'd watch him sleep, his little fingers wrapped around his blanket like it was his lifeline. His breath, soft and steady, was the only thing that kept me grounded back then. But those mornings were gone, just like he was. Just like everything else.

I stared at my phone, fighting the urge to call again. I knew it was pointless, but I kept hoping, kept praying that maybe this time, Devin would pick up. That maybe he'd let me hear my baby's voice, let me know how Malachi was doing, if he still had that same little giggle. But the screen stayed dark, mocking me. Devin had moved on; he was done with me. I knew that. But I just couldn't let go.

I tossed the phone onto the bed and tried to shake off the sadness that clung to me like a second skin. Today was supposed to be a good day. Marshall would be here soon, and I didn't want to keep him waiting. He was one of the few bright spots in this mess of a life I had, and I wasn't about to mess that up. Not today.

I dragged myself to the shower, hoping the hot water would wash away the heaviness in my chest. As I stood there, letting the water cascade over me, I thought about Marshall. We'd been through a lot together in rehab, and I knew he was just as messed up as I was. But there was something about him that made me feel... safe. Maybe it was the way he listened, or the way he didn't judge me for all the crap I'd done. Or maybe it was just because he was the only person who seemed to get it, who understood what it was like to lose everything and still keep fighting, even when it felt pointless.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I couldn't go down that road. Not now. I wasn't ready to start feeling things for someone, not when my life was still such a mess. And I knew Marshall felt the same way. We were both too broken to fix each other.

Me and him had been texting and calling each other constantly these past few days...I wasn't gonna say I didn't like it. I enjoyed it very much...I loved getting to know him more, I loved hearing his voice. I loved the good morning texts...the good night texts...I loved the photos he'd send me of whatever he was doing around the house, whether it was cooking with his girls, writing, reading, at the studio with his boys, he'd send me a goofy photo of it. I thought it was cute...

After my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to wear. It had been so long since I'd really gone out, done something normal. Drugs and rehab had taken up all my time, and I'd forgotten what it was like to just be... me. I finally settled on a simple dress, something that felt comfortable but still looked nice. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, but I also didn't want to look like I'd just rolled out of bed.

Just as I was finishing up, my phone rang. I grabbed it off the bed, my heart skipping a beat when I saw Marshall's name on the screen.

"Hey, I'm outside," he said, his voice warm and familiar.

"Okay, I'll be right out," I replied, trying to keep the nerves out of my voice.

I rushed to leave, grabbing my bag and checking my reflection one last time. As I stepped outside, I spotted Marshall leaning against his car, a small smile tugging at his lips. He looked good—better than I'd seen him in a while—but there was still that same tiredness in his eyes, the same weight that I knew all too well.

"You look good," he said, his voice a little awkward as his eyes quickly scanned me.

"Thanks," I replied, smiling back. "You too."

It was still a bit awkward as we got into the car. There was this tension, this weird mix of excitement and unease that hung in the air. We hadn't seen each other since rehab, and I think we were both trying to figure out how to navigate this new space between us.