The Time Travellers User Guide

Chapter Three

The difficulty I experienced in withdrawing one million pounds from the bank was quite remarkable. Although, maybe not quite as remarkable as what I did once I had the money. It was almost as though the bank didn't think of it as my money at all. When I initially went into my local branch, I was told that the maximum amount of money I could withdraw in cash over the counter was £1,000.

When I pressed them on this, this is what the cashier said:

"I'm very sorry sir, but we need to know what you intend to do with the money. For example, if you want to purchase a new car, you will need to pay a deposit first, then bring us the receipt."

 She was about 25 years old and spoke with a degree of world weariness that seemed to bleed through a staid air of grim professionalism. However, to me, it seemed that she was somehow representative of the bank and all that it stood for.

"What sort of car do you think I will be buying that costs a million pounds? A Batmobile?" I don't know why I said this. I was attempting to be flippant but merely sounded ignorant. There were, of course, plenty of cars that cost a million pounds.

"That's just an example, Sir. We do, however, need to know what you need the money for.""I see. So I need to provide you with a reason why I want to withdraw my money?"

"That's correct, sir."

"You didn't ask me for a reason when I paid it in, did you?" I leaned in towards her conspiratorially and whispered, "The reason I want to withdraw the money is that I am going to burn it." This wasn't actually my plan at all, but their petty bureaucracy was grinding my gears, and I wanted to see how they would react.

"Why would you want to burn a million pounds, sir?" There was a genuine tone of curiosity and horror in her voice, as though the thought of doing this had never occurred to her."Because I can. Now, are you going to let me withdraw one million pounds in cash of my own money or not?"

"I am afraid not, sir. However, if you bring your passport in as proof of your identity, I can draw up a cashier's cheque to that amount."

"I don't want a cashier's cheque. I want one million pounds of my money in cash. If you genuinely can't do this, then I will take my business elsewhere." I sounded deadly serious when I said this. This was primarily because I meant what I said. I could move my business elsewhere and would do so if strictly necessary. I rather relished the fact that I had something to negotiate with.

"I will need to refer this to my manager, Sir. Please come this way into our client waiting area."

I was led into an area of the bank beyond the public concourse, down a short corridor, and into a small but comfortable waiting room. There were no windows in the room, but it was adorned with several promotional posters behind glass. I whiled away a few moments trying to understand the banal messages they contained. A few minutes later, the branch manager arrived. He was short, balding, and tubby. A middle-aged, avuncular man called Brian (his name badge was a dead giveaway) was able to turn on the charm and put me at ease more or less immediately.

"So, Brian, why won't you let me withdraw a million pounds of my cash without me giving you a reason?" I tried to say this in the most jovial way that I could muster.

In fairness to Brian, he was very professional throughout this exchange and remained calm, collected, and articulate. He was a man that had developed a skill in delivering the corporate line in a slick and plausible way.

"Well, Charlie, the reasons for this are twofold. As a responsible bank, we have a genuine obligation to our customers to protect them and to minimize the opportunity for financial crime or impropriety. Transactions involving large sums of cash have inherent security issues and have the potential to leave customers with very little protection should things go wrong."

I nodded at this and involuntarily made some vaguely encouraging sounds.

He continued: "So it's only correct that, when appropriate, we ask customers the right questions and explore whether an alternative payment method might be safer and more convenient for them. There is no restriction on the amount a customer can withdraw from their accounts electronically, via cheque, or banker's draft."

So I very calmly told Brian that unless he was able to fulfill my request to withdraw one million pounds of my money in cash, I would close my account, withdrawing the full 3.4 million from the lottery win that I had deposited, and go to a bank that would help me.

"In that case, Charlie, please wait here while I speak with our regional manager."

Brian came back shortly afterward and advised that I would be able to pick up one million pounds in cash, in a complimentary leather presentation briefcase, in two days' time. This was on the proviso that I brought along my passport as proof of my identity in advance.

"Marvellous!" I said as I shook his hand warmly. "I think my passport is in the glove compartment of my car. If you can wait a minute, I'll go and get it. I would very much like to get the ball rolling on this immediately."

In reality, my passport was back at the flat. However, with my ability to pause time, I was able to walk out of the bank, hit the pause button, and enjoy a brisk session of cardio. I gently jogged through the paused world back to my flat, where I spent a few frustrating minutes looking for my passport. Dave was really annoyed when I got back, as he had been playing on the Xbox when I paused time, and I had unintentionally interrupted his game. I apologized and explained what I was going to do at the bank on Friday at 10 am, as I was sure that it would require a lot of pausing, stopping, starting, fast-forwarding, and rewinding. When I got back to the bank, I unpaused time, went back in, and used my passport to convince Brian that I was who I said I was.

He left me with this final thought. "Charlie, if you are being blackmailed, you don't have to go through with this. We can get the police involved. They will be able to help you."