toxxkissity ♡

-1-

Serj and i were sitting stoned in front of his patio at his grandmother's house on the Ventura coast. I didnt have the heart to tell him it was my first high.
I took a deep breath, inhaled, just like bill clinton said "he didnt inhale," and almost choked doing it.
Serjs fuzzy hair was glistening in the breeze, i wanted to ruffle it so bad, but i knew how much he hated me doing that.
I could feel serj flashing a side glance as i did all i could to act cool.
Serj was so fucking stoned, he was off his head going off about the government and Armenia and his grandmother and his sex life and god knows what else, he was probably thinking i was too blazed out of my mind to pay attention.
I felt bad because i did not know what to say. But i wasnt going to lie, i found serj's passion for politics and his pride for his nationality sexy. He had never shied away from it, and had been open about it since he was a kid. It was his whole life.
So what was i, a privileged white girl raised in the Hills, doing here thinking i could belong with serj? The last thing he needed was someone like me. But i could tell he wanted my company. Mainly because i didnt say anything or offer comment; i just listened. I was reticent, and i was told people liked that about me as a friend. The least i could do was go "mmmm" to everything serj said, but i really was listening. I was struck by the way he spoke; those melting words, every one of them purring out of him with precision and sincerity.
I feel like i could listen to his insight for hours, he never talked crap. He talked when it was appropriate for him to talk.
That's when i said the craziest thing.
"I fucking love you, serj."
Serj stopped talking and looked at me, joint dangling out of his forefinger, his mouth slightly open.
"I fucking love you serj," i repeated. "I fucking love listening to everything you say."
"Do you really? I feel i talk shit most of the time...doesnt help that im stoned as a rock right now." Serj awkwardly laughed to himself.
"You never talk shit, serj. You speak your fucking mind," i babbled like an idiot. I'm pretty sure i used being high as an excuse. "And for that i love you."
"Then i fucking love you, rachel forrester."
My eyes, dilated or bedroom, i dont know, but they did not leave from where his bloodshot pupils were gazing right at me. Why i didnt feel anything in that moment, i dont know. That's when he dropped his joint, blew out the last of his smoke, puckered his lips, and kissed me.
It was a light kiss, not a makeout by any means, but i appreciated it. It was a friendly kiss if anything else.
I could tell that serj was looking at me deeply, as if he wanted to take this to the next level, but was cautious in me not feeling the same way. he looked away from me and deeply exhaled, as if he was relieved hed finally gotten the chance to kiss me, and this time, no smoke came out. He could have kissed me again, but i was glad he didnt. I didnt even know if i wanted a real relationship, even though there was a part of me that wanted to explore, it had taken a while for me to understand i just liked the fantasy. I just wanted the two of us to be like this, sitting out in the shade of the california sun and talking, about nothing and everything, with maybe some light flirting in between, because wasn't that what being coming of age in california was really about?
Dang it, maybe i was really asexual.
Because to be honest, i rarely felt affection that was sexual. I had the occasional moment in my panties, of course, but i dont know, i had to have had a really difficult day or something to come, which was usually due to anxiety or exhaustion, i dont think it had anything to do with desire. I wanted to be desired, but i was at odds on what to do when that person liked me back. I didnt like the dick in vagina part of sex, i was well into my late teens and many of my girlfriends had lost their virginities but i nevertheless did not feel pressured to follow, finding the whole thing disgusting. I did have a thing for stoner dudes, especially ones who were super attuned to politics, and werent dicks to women, and serj fit right in there, which was why we became fast friends.
"Well..." serj trailed off nervously, running a hand through his hair as he got up onto his feet . "I guess we both got things to do, eh."
"Yeah. We really do." I said, although i was not sure i actually did, other than sitting here for a few more hours and listen to whatever else he had to say. No one understood me more than serj did. "I...got work later." I said, a lie. No one would even employ me, i was living off my autism payout post-college, other than volunteering at the community center most weekends, assisting disadvantaged youths, many of whom were armenian americans. But of course i would never tell serj that.
Serj sneaked a look at his watch, although i knew it was forced.
"Shavo said id meet him around town at this time. I better." I was about to ask him who shavo was but decided not too. He chuckled a little, threw on the Vans that he was half wearing, waved me goodbye and he was off.
I heard his old toyota zoom off into the distance, and for a moment i was spellbound.
Serj Tankian, i thought. What a fascinating bloke.
To know him was not to know him...
I sighed and stared back out the coastline, the breeze lightly blowing my face. I felt like i was that kid from The O.C. I was in a very confusing point in my life.