Why Can't I? (How Not To Just Stay Friends)

Chapter 1: sharing clothes is normal, we promise

You are not in love with your best friend.

Sharing clothes was normal between friends. Everyone did it, and all your friends who made fun of you for doing it with Awsten did too, they were just hypocrites! And sure, they didn't know that you sometimes went weeks without washing his sweatshirt— the one you stole on the last show of tour while he was on stage— because you felt it was an injustice to rid it of his cologne, but what they didn't know didn't hurt them.

You'd be lying if you said there weren't some oddities here and there in your relationship. That was something you fully acknowledged. There was the occasional bed sharing, due to his apartment lacking an actual guest room and late night writing sessions when the inspo hit. a lot of time you would just crash at his place. The thing was though, the couch was uncomfortable and he owned a California king, which was expected of Awsten 'must live in luxury' Knight. You always made sure to stick to your side of the bed, though... for the most part. Some nights were hard, okay? You both had your fair share of trauma, and sometimes you just need his arms around you. A friend's arms.

So no, you weren't in love with him. And you would keep telling yourself that as you fixated on his trinket wrapped fingers typed his pin into the pin pad. His holographic nail polish (the one he painted on last night while he facetimed you and told you about his insane day) shimmered in the late morning sun.

He graciously paid for your coffee (put his card in the reader before you could get your wallet out) which was becoming more of a frequent occurrence. Should you talk to him about it? Probably, but you selfishly liked the feeling whenever he rushed to put his card in the pin pad. It made you feel all fluttery and-

You cut yourself off before you could finish that thought, because you were NOT in love with your best friend.

"You good?" Awsten's voice ripped you from your thoughts. He balanced two cups in one hand and a piece of cheesecake in the other, big enough for the two of you to share– oh he was so sweet.

"Yeah, I'm good. Where do you wanna sit?" You asked.

He nodded his head at a small table for two, sitting in the sunny corner of the cafe. You followed him over, cringing at the sound of the metal chairs scraping against the floor as you went to sit down. Awsten set your dirty chai in front of you and slid the plate with the cheesecake to sit between you.

"Did you see Itzy announced tour? They're gonna be here in June." Awsten took a bite of the cheesecake.

"Of course I saw! How did you see though? Did I tweet about it?" You asked, fiddling with the drawstring of your hoodie. Okay, yours was a loose term. Was it a new hiidef sample that you wrestled from his hands when he got back from picking up the samples? ... technically! In the end he gave in, though, and he let you have it, saying it looked better on you than it would him.

"No, I follow them."

"Why do you follow them? You're not into them," You chuckled.

"You like them, so I followed them," He stated it so simply.

"Awsten, you didn't have to do that-"

"I wanted to!"

You rolled your eyes at him. Why was he like this? He cared so much about his friends, so much it hurt to even think about someone not putting the same effort back into him. Unfortunately, you'd seen that happen. From flirting with girls at the bar your group dragged him to, or from just generally not getting enough out of the relationships in his life, it was more common than he, or you, would like. You hoped desperately that you gave back enough, that he felt as loved as he made you feel.

Platonically loved. Best Friends Forever love.

The two of you chatted, playing footsie under the table while you yapped on about upcoming plans and things you saw while doom scrolling. You tried not to get distracted, but you couldn't help but notice the way his neck flexed as he tilted his head in thought and oh god what were you doing!? Why couldn't you stop thinking about him that way! Shut up shut upshutup-

"Dude, you have been spacing out today, are you okay?" He tilted his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Sorry, I'm just... tired. Long night," You sighed, dragging your hands over your face.

"Don't be sorry, just wanna make sure you're okay," He grabbed your hand and laced it with his, his rings clinking against yours. You glanced down at your hands intertwined, admiring the way your matching eye rings rested next to each other. He had gotten it for you for your birthday last year. You had never even stated that you wanted one, and to an outsider of your relationship it may seem like a selfish, uninspired gift, but to you? It was everything. It had become a habit for you to play with his rings whenever you were anxious; you generally clung to him when you got overwhelmed. So opening the ring box to see the blue and yellow iris ring that matched his was quite the surprise. Since you like mine so much :) the note read.

"Now we have friendship rings" is what he said when you slid it on at the restaurant, your friends cracking jokes like when's the wedding and this is softcore dating , but that didn't matter. It all faded into the background– all you could see was the brightest smile known to man.

And as you sat here, late afternoon sun beating down through the tall glass windows and onto the two of you, you wanted to kiss him senseless. You cared about him so much, more than anyone in your life (besides your parents) up until this point and it scared you. It scared you so much. Everything about him, down to your pet peeves you had with him, you just adored. His laugh could light up an entire room, his kindness was beyond anything he had ever seen, his resilience, his passion, his work ethic, his drive-

He was everything.

But no, you weren't in love with your best friend...

...right?