A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing: Part II

Chapter 1: Decisions

Silla

I was stupid enough to think I was finally out of shit infested waters. But here I am, surrounded by the fucking Knights of Ren, making eye contact with them without the safety of a helmet. I'd forgotten how much I relied on its protection throughout my life. If I so much as blush, or smirk, or blink, they see it. They see everything. I should have known a bounty would bring us together at some point. It's common for the most high profile targets to have dozens of hunters after them. And that includes the First Order and its asshole Supreme Leader.

My dreams of the Knights of Ren have distorted their faces over time, making their features dull. Seeing them in the flesh now, all hard lines and shining eyes and bulging muscles, is like surfacing from cold, dark water, my lungs expanding fully for the first time in years.

But I have a decision to make now. I can either work with the guys to track this general, or I can work against them, putting Davin in danger of the Knights of Ren. I should fear for my own life as well. I remember the haunting way they submitted to their leader in that throne room like it was yesterday. If Kylo Ren got wind of my continued existence, and the possibility that I could distract his knights, his demand for my death would be a quick, harsh blow. But I can't make myself fear these men. Not even after the years spent apart. Not even after such a short time knowing them in the first place. Logically, I am aware they would kill me if given the order. But based on their reactions to seeing me for the first time in two years, it would gut them to do so.

I am not afraid of death. I may no longer be Mandalorian, but the claws of my training and my religion dig too deep to remove. I do not fear death or pain. But I do fear grief. I have felt its slimy fingers tearing through my heart. And I refuse to experience it again. If I accept Ap'leck's offer to capture this bounty together, I cannot fall into the same trap I did last time. I cannot offer my heart, or my body, on a platter only to have it taken away again. I won't survive it. And I have so much more to live for now.

Buzz clings to me with the heat of his little body pressing against my twisted stomach and tight chest as he examines the Knights with a slight frown. I keep my gaze averted from Ushar, but I know whether I agree to work with them or not, I have hell to pay. How am I supposed to explain this to him?! There is no hiding. My hair is ashy and pin straight, and no other knight has the same fiery orange waves. I knew the moment my baby boy was placed in my arms, skin still purple and face screwed up in a cry, that he was Ushar's. The pain of loss ripped through me just as strongly as the euphoria of a mother's love for her child.

"Come on, Silla." Vicrul's pleading voice dredges up a lot of feelings I never thought I'd experience again.

Ap'lek shrugs when I don't answer right away, his blue eyes searing into me. "It's a good deal."

My brows twitch up as I try to hide my roiling emotions. "Is it?"

Kuruk frowns deeply. "You don't trust us to send the credits."

It's not a question, but it's so far from where my thoughts are that it startles me back into myself. Back into the part of my mind that is wholly bounty hunter. Should I have been worried about the money? My lips tighten.

"I didn't say that. I'm just wondering how beneficial it is for me to deviate from my traditional route." Traditional route being on my own with my apprentice who doesn't stir the part of my soul longing to be loved and admired and touched.

Their looks of disgust say it all. They're hurt that I'm being so clinical about this. That I'm not jumping at the chance to spend time with them. But my gut is twisting too violently to feel truly guilty. This conversation might go differently if it were just me at this table, even now without my mandalorian status. I might toe the line with them, giving them a little of myself while we chased a runaway General together. But I have responsibility now, both to my child and to my apprentice. I cannot give myself away now. I cannot allow Buzz to see his mother like I was when I first set out helmetless.