Relentlessly Yours [Completed]

Chapter 44

Six Months Later
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The crowd erupted into an ear-splitting roar as Kai crossed the finish line a fraction of a second ahead of the others, hailing him as the winner of today's race.

It was a beautiful, sunny day here in Monaco and everyone was hyped up. The energy was through the roof despite the hot and blazing sun.

There was a mixture of disappointment, exhilaration, and awe as the other cars caught up and crossed the black line one by one.

My heart raced as I watched the cameras follow Kai as he exited the car in his red and black racing suit. He was immediately attacked with shoulder pats and hugs by his team and reporters bombarded him with questions.

He glanced up at the big screen to see his name on the top and a solemn look passed his face and then, he grinned at his coach and teammates.

God, he is so ridiculously hot. And beautiful. And handsome. And perfect.

And most importantly, he looked happy.

Feeling a dull ache but a warm and full feeling in my chest, I smile as I watch him interact with the people around him and then he gives a quick, obligatory wave to the crowd which is responded by whistles and cheers.

It took a lot of courage for me to come here and watch him race after so many years. Natatandaan ko pa, labinlimang-taong gulang ako 'nong sinimulan ko siyang panoorin at sundan sa kahit saan parte ng mundo. Now, it feels like a distant memory but I also remember everything so vividly.
I remember how I had been so proud of him regardless of the result of his race, how I had loved him and yearned for him from afar, just like now.

After the incident at Leyton's house, I finally decided I needed real help. I needed to pull myself out of the ocean of insecurities and doubts that I was drowning in.

I could no longer pretend that I could lay in my bed and have self-realizations only for it to fly out of the window when I'm being confronted and put in the situation. Kailangan kong matutong mag-react ng naaayon sa sitwasyon at hindi basta-basta umaasa sa sarili kong konklusyon.

Cutting myself with the knife, accidental it may have been, was a glaring and blatant proof that despite the unwavering love I have for Kai, I did not trust him. And I was deeply heartbroken that it was because of me and my issues and nothing to do with him.

Because God, I wanted to trust him. Gusto ko na buo ako kapag binigay ko ulit ang sarili sa kanya. Gusto ko na buo ako kapag pipiliin niya ulit na mahalin ako. I wanted to be able to love and have faith in him. I didn't want to have an ounce of doubt of his love for me any longer.

However, I cannot fill his cup if mine isn't full.

Later that night, I impulsively flew to Bali and there, I began my quest of soul-searching. Of making myself better. I attended a much-needed soul retreat and holistic self-healing facility in Bali. I had my reservations at first but the retreat really helped me.

After four months and so many sessions, I'm finally feeling a lot better about myself. I finally have a better understanding of the people around me. I finally understand the world a lot better.

I finally understand that people tend to make mistakes and disappoint you at some point, but that's okay.

All of us, even our parents, are living life for the first time. There is no way to navigate our lives but through experience. No matter if it's through pain or happiness, experience is truly the best teacher.

As much as I was gutted by the fact that the person, the only person I thought I could trust in the world, betrayed me, I understand why my father did what he did. Mali lang ang naging paraan ni Dad pero nagawa niya lang iyon para protektahan ako. He just did what he thought was best for me at the time and who could blame him? Siya ang palaging sumasalo sa akin. He knew how I was mad in love with Kai and he was always there whenever I cried. Hindi iisang beses na niligtas niya ako.