City of Decay: The Cleaner | MxM

Chapter 24: So many Questions, so little Answers

Seconds felt like minutes while we fell into silence. It would be easy, wouldn't it? Just tell him to fuck off and I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. But I bit my tongue. I may be hurt and broken, but I am not stupid.

For all the turmoil I have to endure there is one thing I know for sure: I can't survive alone. I can't crawl back to Thayer and apologize, hoping that he'll accept it. We can't go back to how it was before. Even if we tried... I wouldn't be able to be close to him anymore.

How would I look him in the eyes after what he has done to me? How would I remain myself, the personality that entertained him? How could I ever sleep in the same bed again?

At the mere thought I choke up.

He finally got what he wanted; he planted the fear and respect of his power in me. The one thing he could never even faze me with became the one thing I dread the most. I should have never left. Should have stayed, confronted myself with the situation. I had too much time to think about everything.

No. Shut up... Shut up shut up shut up!

I bury my face in my palms, overwhelmed. My fear tells me to run back, beg for forgiveness. It tells me that everything can go back to normal, and even if it doesn't it's still better than whatever other option I have.

But my rationality tells me that it's wrong. That I wouldn't survive it, and even if I did he got everything from me he ever wanted. I'm of no use anymore. It's probably why he hasn't shown up yet. He discarded me just like that. And that should be a good thing.

It's just... so hard to feel that way. The danger I know is a danger I can adapt to, no matter how bad. But is this really something I could do? Could I dissociate that much? Could I grow used to it till I don't care anymore, don't even feel anymore?

And what then, Eon? What happens then?

"Stay..." I finally answer.

It's been silent long enough. I can hear him move ever so slightly but I can't lift my head to look at him just yet. I don't want him to make up for it, I don't want him to prove anything. I couldn't care less. But I need all the help I can get. Thayer's protection is out the window; I need someone else who can watch my back.

'If they use us, we can use them.' – doc was right. I don't need to trust anyone, I only need to regain control, use whatever help I can get. That's all there is to it.

I sigh deeply, rubbing my eyes softly before I slowly lift my head. I'm exhausted and I look the part.

"I don't know if I can ever trust you. But you and the doc are the only people who can help me survive the hell you helped create. I wish I was dumb enough to reject it but I'm not."

"Never were," he chuckles.

Right... I can't trust my emotions right now – the clearer my head the better. I can deal with all that shit once my injuries have healed. I'm making good progress thanks to the doc's magic; I hope I won't be locked up here for much longer.

"You owe me answers." I try to speak as clearly as possible, but my voice is still trembling. It's better than it was minutes ago, but this anger hasn't vanished yet nor have all the other way too complicated emotions.

"Do I now?" He asks in an amused tone, yet he still sounds serious given the situation. He tries to soften the mood, and it kind of works. I don't know why but despite the serious undertone his lighthearted way of speaking and his calm voice help me relax.

If he were anymore agitated, it would probably send me places I can't even imagine. I really don't want to imagine it, let alone experience it. It's a realization best left uncovered.