Seven years ago, I resented you coming into my life.
My family was starting a new chapter but I didn't want you to be a part of it. Slowly, you became the one who I would call my dad. You would become the one who would teach me to fill out a check, how to use a paintball gun and check the oil in my car. I was happy to have a father. Seven years you were my dad.
But then, everything came to a stop.
You and my mom struggled with your marriage for reasons that were never clear to me. I may not know what went on behind the closed bedroom door, I knew you struggled with your past. Mom told me about what had happened to you in your childhood. You witnessed your young cousin be trampled to death by a tractor. You held your uncle in your arms as he slowly passed away from a heart attack. You witnessed your family's entire farm estate fade away in flames. And that was all under the age of 10.
You grew up and made a life. You got a good job right out of high school and continued to work there for over 40 years. You opened two businesses. Though the first one failed, your second one is still going strong to this day. You had a wife and two beautiful children who went on to be successful in their own lives. Though that marriage didn't last, you found a new wife. You now had three more children. Though they were step-children, you raised the two youngest as your own. I was one of those two and I can't thank you enough.
It all changed one Christmas Eve.
You let the demons from your past eat away at your brain for too long and they finally took over. You grabbed a gun and waved it around in front of my mom saying you were going to end your life. You pushed past her and ran outside to the woods. I saw you leave the house but I had no clue what was going on. My mom ran past me, outside, to you.
Minutes passed and I heard the sound of a gunshot echo through the air. My heart dropped. I thought you shot my mom. I grabbed my phone, ready to call 911. I dialed the numbers but right before I pressed the call button, my mom came inside the house, already on her phone with dispatch. The house filled with cries as my mom begged for the cops to arrive. We didn't know where you were. We then saw your bright orange sweatshirt emerge from the woods, gun in hand. You were running towards the house. Panic was now in the air.
Through sobs, my mom shouted "He is running at us with a gun. Please hurry." At that moment, cops showed up. We watched as they pushed you to the ground, placed you in handcuffs, and took you to the hospital.
You came back 4 days later. We were all scared of you. Scared you were going to snap again. In the past when you said you were going to end it because you were upset over something, you calmed down within a day. You just needed time alone.
You started seeing a therapist and within a month, you seemed happier already. You seemed more optimistic about everything. Though you seemed happy for that month, your demons still existed.
You came home early from work, upset and crying. You said you needed time alone. Everyone in the house left you alone. You went into your workshop and you spent the night there like you have in the past when you needed your time alone. We knew you needed to cool off.
The next morning when I left for school, your car was still in the driveway. You needed the time to cool off but you never missed work. Mom told me not to worry, that she will handle it, and I should continue my way to school. So I did. First period went by and I was pulled out of school. When I got home and pulled into the driveway, there were 3 cop cars. I ran into my house to see my mom sobbing at the kitchen table. The demons from your past took hold of you.
You ended your life.
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what you did. The day it happened, I was stupid and I looked into your workshop. The image of seeing the ladder laying on the ground is imprinted in my brain. Me imagining your lifeless body, sitting there in the cold, waiting for someone to come find you. I wonder what your final thoughts were. What pushed you to the point in which you felt this was the only option.
The house is filled with silence. No one speaks anymore. Mom is heartbroken and overwhelmed by how she is going to pay for everything herself especially with the inability to work anymore due to her heart condition. You left her with no explanation as to why you did it.
Every time you would get upset and have your moments where you would say you would end it, you eventually came around and promised everyone that it would never happen. You promised us you would always stay alive and be there for us. To take care of us, protect us, teach us. Where are you now? People mourn the loss of a loved one, but I mourn the loss of a normal fucking family.
Call me selfish, but you fucking left us in the dark. I love you and I am sorry you were hurting but shame on you for leaving. You didn't even say goodbye. You didn't make sure we would be okay. You didn't think for a second. Or maybe you did.
I spend a lot of time thinking about you and the day you left us. Did you plan this? Did you regret it as soon as you stepped off the ladder? Were you calling for help? Or did you just go peacefully.
The coroner said it was a quick and peaceful passing. But that's only for you. Not the rest of us. You leaving has been nothing even close to peaceful.
I love you.
But fuck you.
