Viper slithered into Tigress' room that afternoon, after Tigress had thoroughly decimated the training hall's record, and managed to hit the training dummy so hard it stayed down.
Tigress herself laid down on her cot holding the pillow directly to her face.
"Tigress," Viper asked cautiously. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes," Tigress said. "No," she added not a moment later. "I'm not sure, I just. . ." she neglected to finish, instead deciding just to yell into the pillow.
Viper laid a reassuring tail on her friend. "Is it something I should worry about." Tigress slumped into her bed further and grunted under her pillow. Viper, sufficiently relieved grinned slyly. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Po, would it?" Another muffled grunt came from Tigress. Viper leaned in closer. "Did the big mean panda upset you?" she said all too sweetly.
Tigress finally lifted her head to stare Viper in the eye. "I will turn this into a weapon if you don't stop," she said, inclining her head to the pillow.
Viper stifled her laughter and held up her tail peaceably. "Will you at least tell me what this is about? Because Po somehow got three times faster when I tried to ask him."
Tigress sighed and rubbed her temples. "In short, he's an idiot, and it's my job to pull him out. Again."
Viper hummed. "And this is different from the hundreds of other times because. . ?"
"Because this time he slipped up in the opposite direction," Tigress spat. "Rather than saying something careless to the wrong person, and having to fight hordes of crocodiles until it's revealed that we've been traveling with the long lost twin brother of Emperor whoever or such similar nonsense, this time he thought about it and said the wrong thing to the right person."
Viper waited for a moment before asking. "Go on. . ."
Tigress sighed. "Temutai's making trouble again, or at least might, and pacifying him this time involved playing house with Po for a few weeks."
Viper nodded. "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Ther've been plenty of times where we all had to dog-pile into the same room before."
Tigress shook her head. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that we have to pose as a couple. A happily married couple, at that."
"Oh," Viper said. A moment later, the penny dropped. "OH." Viper squealed with delight, and a cold rock settled into the pit of Tigress' stomach. "Oh my gosh, that is adorable! Ooh, you guys get to be all comfy and domestic, while also fighting side by side! Oh, and the wedding illustrations! I'll bet there's just going to be loads of congratulations. You two are going to be so cute pining away while pretending not to pine while pretending to have already pined away!"
I, Tigress thought, have made a grave mistake.
Viper quickly maneuvered around so that her maniacally gleeful smile was staring directly at Tigress' wide-eyed horror. "I have so many personally invasive questions I want to ask you two!"
"Viper," Tigress snapped. "This is a bad thing!"
That, at least, brought Viper back to reality. She leaned back slightly and tilted her head. "Why exactly is this upsetting to you?"
Tigress shifted to a cross-legged sit. "Because this is a bad idea. One that will be awkward and uncomfortable for the entire time if it works, upset a band of very angry warriors if it doesn't, and be a shameful 'we don't talk about it' type of mission in either case."
Viper hummed. "I don't know. This doesn't really sound too bad of a plan." At Tigress' raised brow, she held out a tail. "Better than 'Operation Instant Soup' anyways."
